Get up and GROW.

The past 8 months, I have been striving to build genuine relationships with my neighbors. This road has been met with moments of joy, peace, frustration, and pain.

I now sit here, with 3 months left in the community fellows program. Hopeful for what comes next. A little anxious about how to get here. And thankful for the experiences good and bad that have occurred as I navigate what it means to provide a glimpse of God's kingdom to others through relationship.

The past 8 months have been leading up to this. I have been plowing. Planting seeds here and there. Now its time to water the plants. Now its time to care and cultivate.

I am reminded of the parable of the sower in Matthew 13:

The Parable of the Sower

13 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. ² And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat down. And the whole crowd stood on the beach. ³ And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. ⁴ And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. ⁵ Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, ⁶ but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. ⁷ Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. ⁸ Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. ⁹ He who has ears,^[a] let him hear.”

I know God is here. He has been in this neighborhood way before I moved here. He will be here long after I move on to wherever God has in store for me. I am just an instrument for his vision here in Bellflower. I have been sowing. My hope is that as the seeds I planted and relationships I have cultivated have landed on good soil. Soil that will help the seeds thrive and grow. 

Now it's go time. Yes, the past 8 months have been hard. I have made mistakes, I could have done things differently. But I will not live in the "Should-haves" and "could haves" I desire to take these lessons to the Lord to ask for a transformation and renewed hunger to finish strong and seek God's vision for the Cedar neighborhood. I desire to continue to invest in the relationships that I have and partner with my new friends to go out and seek neighborhood transformation through gospel relationships.

Lord. I pray that you will help me to be present. Right here. Right now. I am in this state of 'unknown.' You have called me and now it is my time to go. Go out. Grant me boldness. Help to not focus on the mistakes and short comings of the past. Give me a renewed sense of fire for this neighborhood. I pray for good soil.

You 'Grow' girl,
Rachel


(I just haaaaad to throw in a pun here.)

The Realities of Living Incarnationally.

So there I sat. Frustration. Anger. Disappointment.

Who was I angry with? Why was I so frustrated? Where was this disappointment coming from?

Two weeks ago, I had the privilege of attending the Christians in Community Development Association (CCDA) National Conference in Minneapolis. It was an amazing experience to connect with like-minded individuals and be inspired by the stories of transformation that was going on in local neighborhoods. To see God's hand working through people like me.

Coming back home. I began to assess my own neighborhood. Where was the transformation happening in my own neighborhood? Where were those life-giving relationships? Where was the interdependence?

To be honest. I can't see it. And this is where the trouble begins.

I began to compare myself to others. To the stories I heard of living incarnationally. From my perspective. I didn't have those relationships with my neighbors. Why wasn't I able to have these type of relationships? Did my neighbors not like me? Am I not good enough? I must not be equipped to do this work.

The feelings of inadequacy grew and grew.

Why am I here? Where is God in my neighborhood, and why isn't he using me?

It's a trap. And these questions are lies.

One of the things I struggle with is finding my own worth in my work, the approval and acceptance of others. I know and believe my identity is in Christ, but struggles are struggles and they creep up every once in awhile, especially in times like this. I am wrestling through this. But I have faith that God is working. Even when I can't see it. I must live by faith not by sight.

God is here, in the Ramona neighborhood. He has ALWAYS been here. And he will be here when I leave. His hand is working.  But he has put me here in this neighborhood during this particular season for a reason. I must have faith that he will use me, in his timing.

So how is God working?
The work that is being done is not outwardly. Its in my heart. God is showing me to live by faith. Not by sight.

He is transforming me and showing me that the relationships that I'm building take time. They have seasons. Times of abundance and times of drought. In the times of drought, where relationships are not so fruitful, it DOES NOT reflect my worth or my ability.

I am believing this is true.

I am learning to take ownership of my assets. As I think about my strengths and what I do well, I am good at developing and fostering growth with people through relationships. Getting to know their story, investing, walking alongside, learning from, and receiving from every relationship.  God has given me the ability to connect and relate to my neighbors. He is showing how to do this day by day.

Today, I took a long stroll around my neighborhood.

My walk way everyday.

One of my neighbors art studio. Bellflower is filled with such a wide array of people!

Sign for a local carniceria

Broken TV set in the empty parking lot next door.

Business along Clark Blvd.

The Artesian.

I made sure I took the time to soak up and allow myself to immerse myself in my neighborhood. The sights, sounds, people.

As I walked through the neighborhood, I kept seeing things like this:

All the vacant businesses alongside Belflower Blvd

All about me clothing. Another recently closed shop.

Lock. Stock, And barrel.

Business gone. Vacant signs at every corner. Even the business that were once booming with enthusiastic owners when I first moved in, now left in shambles, abandoned.

REVIVAL. 

Those are the words I could hear God speaking to me. Loud and clear.

As I saw the run down buildings, empty, broken glass, abandoned. I began to think of how this reflected my neighborhood.

In conversations with my Bellflower neighbors, Bellflower was once the thriving little town. 

In recent times the economy has hit it hard, like it has in most surrounding communities. Business that once thrived, now left to nothing. Foreclosures are a daily occurrence.

Like the buildings. The people here, including myself are broken, empty, waiting for life to be breathed into it.  Searching for revival, a fire back in our bones.


I have been praying that God would reveal needs of my neighbors to me. How can I meet those needs? What are my own needs? Where is my own poverty?

Revival needs to happen here. And its going to happen. God is HERE! I have faith that he is going to do something BIG here. I don't know when and I don't know how. But again. By faith, not by sight


A revival is going to happen in my neighborhood, in my city. My prayer is that God will be seen, in the most unexpected ways. And I know somewhere in there, I and my fellow fellows are going to be a apart of it. Big or small. We are laying the foundations to a transformed Bellflower.

Revival is not only happening outwardly, its happening within me. God is helping me defeat the lies that i believe about myself. The lies of inadequacy and my disbelief in my heart. My worth is not in what I do. It is not in the quality of relationships that I build or what others think of me. It is in Christ. And Christ only. 

I falling in love my neighborhood.  I am falling in love with its unique quirks, the kookiness and I mourn with it in its brokenness but am joyful that God is here to bring comfort to his people in the midst of it. I feel at home. And that is a wonderful feeling. I desire to stick with it through thick and thin. God is here and moving. I feel it in my bones.

By faith, not by sight.

-Rachel

Tasting and Seeing...

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
-Psalm 34:8

I am definitely tasting and seeing what the Lord has done for me!

This past weekend I had a little shindig at my place to celebrate God's faithfulness in my life. Specifically my full-time gig at Olive Crest, an awesome non-profit that I seriously am falling in love with.

Today after I finished cleaning up the house after the party-tornado destroyed our living room (it literally took me 2 hours to clean up), I lied down, exhausted. And a thought came into my head. 'Lord you have been so, so faithful.'

Not just with this job, or this amazing opportunity to serve in my neighborhood. Someone could look at me and say 'Of course Rachel, you deserve this, you work hard, you genuinely care about others, etc.'

I am nothing. All that I have done and accomplished in my life is evidence of God's faithfulness in my life.

Overcome with emotion, I began to write in my handy dandy journal. While flipping through old entries I came across one dated September 11, 2011:

September 2011..

In this entry I was barely beginning to explore this call that I felt was put on my heart to minister to the poor. I had more questions than answers. I wanted to know 'why now?' 'am I really strong enough to do this?' "Do I follow this call?'

As I read this entry again, I see a common theme. Fear. I was fearful of how God was going to play this out in my life. How would he use me? Of course I was not strong enough to care for others. Why me? Why now? I was frustrated with the lack of clarity and direction.

But I also see that I desired to risk and explore this call on my heart to LIVE IT OUT. I didn't know how the hell I was gonna do it, but I was determined.



Fast forward one year. Here I am. Living and serving in my neighborhood. Being mentored and encouraged by like-minded individuals. Working closely with an amazing team to provide a glimpse of God's kingdom in our city. Gaining wisdom from colleagues who were once in my shoes, asking the same questions that I have. I'm learning more and more each day what it looks like to truly love my neighbor. With each up and down, I feel affirmed that this is the place where God wants me.

Sometimes I think. How did I get here?
Two words: Obedience and Faith. (An on going process that never ends! Yay for processes!)

Oh it seems so easy, but as I am still learning it is most definitely not.

So what does this look like in my life?
Trusting that God will provide the next steps. Relinquishing my fear and control and allowing him to do his work.

Easier said than done. In the past year alone, I see how God has turned my world upside down, right side up, and then back down again....calling me to risk and trust him, through joy and pain, heartache, and darkness. 

It has been a crazy year to say the least. He has provided in ways I have never imagined.
Some of those questions I asked a year ago are no longer questions, some have been clearly answered, some are in the process of being answered, and of course new questions have risen.

I will never have all the answers. But I finally feel like I am at a place where I can honestly say that it's perfectly okay I don't have the answers.

One step at a time. I am only responsible for what Lord chooses to reveal to me. I have to be diligent with it and trust that the Lord is lighting my way. He is my foundation.

As I think about the Lord's faithfulness in my life. I can't help but get excited to see where He has taken me. Through the valleys and mountains. Each experience, a new lesson learned, and most importantly my faith is renewed and strengthened. Always forward.

Basically God is the bees-knees.

Week 5: Spare Change.

Sundays. A time to relax and find rest.

The reality is Sundays is a day (for me at least) to catch up on chores, such as cleaning, gardening (or at least pretend to 'garden.), and LAUNDRY.

In our complex, we have a common laundry room, which runs on what else? Coins. Living in an age where practically no one carries change, I decided to take walk down the street to my local liquor store and get some coin-age.

Walking up to the door a voice calls out to me. A man about in his mid 40's. I can't really see him but I hear him.

'Spare change, ma'am?!' His voice weak and crackled.

I panicked.

I tried to make eye contact from a far and mumbled something about giving him change on the way out.

I didn't stop to think.
=======================================================================

The past couple of weeks, my perspective on homelessness has changed dramatically.

We are so quick to help the homeless. Either out of guilt or fear. We give them the things we think they need. Food. Money. Clothes. Anything that will stop them from talking to us. 

When we give, it's so easy. We feel good about ourselves. We can check the 'good deed of the week' off our list. On the surface we are doing a good thing. We are called to help one another.

But go deeper.

We are feeding into a cycle of dependency. The homelessness become nothing more then receivers. We rob them of dignity. When we give, give, and give it sends the message the 'I am better than you, you have nothing to offer me.'

A unhealthy relationship forms based on who possesses power.

I am seeking to build relationships with the homeless. To discover the gifts and talents of those in my community and develop those things.

 'Pity weeps and walks away, compassion comes to help and stay.'

I no longer want to help out of pity or guilt, I desire to be compassionate and stay and invest in those around me.

It is so easy to give hand outs. But it takes true patience and compassion to stay and invest, and walk alongside those in poverty.

I am 'relocated.' I have committed to make Bellflower not only a place I live, but home. I desire to understand the problems that my neighbors face and begin to look for REAL solutions.

===================================================================
So now to get off my high horse. I bet you are all wondering what came next.

While inside, all my knowledge and new perspectives came flooding to me.


'No, Rachel don't be a fool. Buy him food and talk with him.'

And that's what I did.


So I approached the man. And as I got closer. I could see that his appearance was unkempt, but nothing of someone who was chronically homeless.

I felt like the wool was pulled over my eyes. I felt foolish. I swallowed my pride and began a conversation with him.

'So where are you staying?'

'I live in an apartment down the street.'

Disappointment and anger set in. Here I am trying to show love to a neighbor and this man isn't even homeless at all.

Out of frustration, I handed him a dollar and walked away, not even looking back.

===================================================================

Did I apply my new found knowledge to this situation. Did I handle it the 'right' way?

No.

I let anger and frustration get the best of me. Instead of asking him why. I took the easy way out and fed into that cycle of dependency because in that moment, it was far more easier than asking him why he was out begging for money.

I think this shows that I am still learning. Even though I am learning so much about what it means to 'love my neighbor' I am still in the process of learning how to actually live it out in my words and actions.   

======================================================================

Heavenly Father, 


It is my prayer that I will live your truth out. To share in the sufferings and pains of others. To stay and invest in the lives of your children. May Bellflower become my community, my home. Help me to learn from my mistakes and forgive me of my foolishness, my pride, and my disobedience. Grant me feet, hands, and a swift tongue that is ready with the gospel. 


Will you banish the lies that the enemy feeds me, telling me that your good work is not possible. That I am not fit for this ministry. Will you help me to constantly see myself as your beloved. A child called to do your good work. May I feel your presence as I go out and engage with my community. Grant me boldness, use me for your kingdom.


Lastly, I pray for my neighbors. Will you be ever present in this place.


Amen.

Thanks Friends! I promise I will update this more frequently. It's been hard to balance 3 jobs and a social life. But I guess this comes with being a grown up! :)

Week Two: Transition and Changes.

As I approach the end of my second week as a resident of Bellflower. I am realizing some things.

Transition is hard. (No brain-er)
I find myself having to adjust from not being a few minutes away from family. A new environment. Being the 'new kid on the block', feeling like a fish swimming against the current, etc. Pushing past the initial awkwardness and trying to slowly build relationships with my new neighbors. All this while trying to balance personal relationships and work (or lack there of).

This is MY community
About a week ago, I had the pleasure of doing Asset-Based Community Development (ABCD) training with CityNet, another non-profit who are connected to KCB. The one thing that I took away from it is this:

'Community Development is not about doing it for people, its about doing it WITH people.'

So simple, yet it resonates deeply. I am learning to have ownership of my new community. These are my neighbors. And I am now a part of the process of being woven into it. This excites me. It motivates me.

I have been crazy busy. But I am excited to share that slowly but surely I am building relationships with my neighbors.

It has been difficult to make the first initial steps of saying hello and making small talk. If you know me well enough, you know that even though I am very people-oriented and thrive in environments with others, I initially am terribly nervous and a bit awkward when it comes to meeting new people. Some have told me this is endearing, but I fear they are wrong. :P

But once again I am reminded that this awkwardness is okay. It's another chance for me to rely on Christ for boldness!

I am reminded of when I was a RA at Biola. My palms would get so sweaty and my mouth would become so dry when I thought of approaching a new resident. But I overcame this fear in time and PUSHED myself.

When I look back at that experience I can't help but laugh and see how God pushed me to be bold.

Well here I am again. Palms sweaty. Mouth dry.

Who knows maybe I will look back and laugh at my nervousness once again!

Here's hoping!
=========================================================================

 I do have an interesting story to share.

This past Saturday, I had the pleasure of volunteering with a local church that puts on a weekly breakfast for the local homeless community.

I have helped with these type of events in the past. But what made this so different was that instead of being in the background, serving the poor. I was sitting alongside them sharing a meal and sharing our lives together.

As I began to talk to people. The nervousness crept up. My insecurities in my own abilities to interact with people grew as I would hear of the stories of what life was really like on the street, the hopelessness and jadedness that was apparent in their words and faces.

I too began to feel discouraged and jaded. I did not know the words to respond to this.
I began to to think, 'This is so hard. Why am I here?' I am not equipped.'

I realized that I needed to shut up and ask God for strength. Turn off the negative voices and just LISTEN to the words and stop trying to come up with comforting words or whatever.

When I stopped and listened and allowed the spirit to work through me, things fell into place.

I had a amazing conversation with a man, about early 30's. It was strange, our conversation started with him asking me if I have ever gotten high. (Again, I do not know how it got there!), slowly from there we talked about his time in jail and then I found about his children and how he has had trouble finding work.

We talked for awhile before he left. And he left me with this:
'Will I see you next, week?'

You bet.

PRAYER REQUESTS

Boldness
Pushing myself to be intentional with all the new people in my life. To not be discouraged by the awkwardness or the initial differences that we may have. To not let my insecurities (lies from the enemy!!) get in the way of loving others well. Be bold. Be confident.

Trusting/Relying on Lord for Strength
This week has been a difficult one for me personally. Please pray that I will be obedient in the Spirit for the difficult things I have been processing and find true joy and comfort in his love alone. That as much as I am investing in others, that I in turn will let others invest in and love me. RECEIVE. RECEIVE. RECEIVE.

Thank you friends! :)

New City. New Neighbors. New Experiences.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I would update it on a regular basis.

So here we are 3 months since my last post, if you are a regular reader, you'd think I dropped off the face of the earth!

 But fret not. I am here.

And if you are here because I sent you a support letter in the mail....WELCOME! :)

In fact I have not been twiddling my thumbs around, doing nothing. A LOT has been going on!

If you have read any of my posts on this blog or even talked to me in person, you know a bit about my journey in the past year as I have tried to figure out this call that the Lord has put on my heart for the urban poor.

For the longest time I struggled with how to make sense of it all. I went to school for Film! I thought I was going to work in Hollywood working on TV shows and summer blockbusters.

But during my last year at Biola, things began to change. I became heavily involved with various ministires, I got to invest in the lives of others and be invested in by amazing teachers and mentors. As I gained opportunities to minister to the urban poor, the more my heart began to break and I realized how much the gospel was needed in the city.

I realized that working with people wasn't just something I was good at, it was life-giving. I began reevaluating my future. My brain began to hurt as hundreds of questions raced through my mind.

Is this just a phase? Am I cut out this? Am I strong enough? What the heck am I gonna do with a film degree?!

A month before graduation I finally came to terms with it. GOD DOES NOT WASTE. He has given me my gifts, talents, and passions for a specific reason. He gives us specific seasons to use these gifts, talents, and passions. I believe that God will provide opportunities to work with the urban poor as well as opportunities to use my talents of film and media.

With that I am excited to share with you what is next for me!

 This summer I will be living in Bellflower, CA as a Community Fellow through a non profit organization called Kingdom Causes Bellflower.  The Community Fellows program is an opportunity for young leaders to gain tangible, hands on experience in Christian community development work. I will move into an under-resourced neighborhood in Bellflower, and will use my time in the neighborhood to intentionally build relationships with my neighbors and help bring about community transformation. The Kingdom Causes staff will provide training and support as we learn about community development, and will cover our housing costs for the year.

I look forward at the opportunity to work with like-minded people to provide a glimpse of reconciliation, hope, and healing that comes from the gospel. I am excited to gain hands on experience doing urban ministry and learning what it looks like to truly love my neighbor. I am looking forward to being stretched relationally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

A year ago, I would have NEVER imagined that I would get an opportunity like this! The Lord has been so faithful to me in the past year. It has been a difficult process, especially in the past six months. There have been times where my faith has been shaken and tested. But I am reminded of this verse: 

'Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.' 
(Psalm 119:105) 

As much as we want to see what our future looks like, we simply can't. What we can do is abide in Christ and TRUST that he will provide in his timing. This is such a difficult concept to truly believe in our hearts (I have my freak out moments from time to time, thankfully I have a few core people to knock some biblical sense into me!) Surrendering our fears to the Lord and allowing him to do his work is very, very difficult!

As I meditate on Psalm 119:105, I see how much this verse is so applicable to my stage in life. He reveals little by little his plans for me, and by faith I must follow. And he always provides. 

Thank you for your support. I hope you will follow me in my journey in the next year! Feel free to subscribe to this blog!

Check out more about Kingdom Causes Bellflower www.kcbellflower.org 

-Rachel :) 

A deep seeded faith.

Change is coming.

Short version: God is moving. Taking my life and turning it upside down.

Not into reading long rambling posts? Stop here.

Okay you lost your chance...

I am in a state of transition (I have come to really HATE that word in the past months) and with that dreaded 'T' word comes another bad word....trails. But I have found that my positivity strength is one of my biggest enemies. Because I am naturally optimistic, I tend to disregard my struggles and minimize them.

I have finally realized that I am in a time where things are uneasy. I am living in the 'unknown' A lot of things in my life are 'up in the air.' My job situation. Personal relationships...uh basically my future.

One of the things that I struggle with is control. By nature I like to have everything figured out. I like to know what I am getting into. I like to have a plan.

One thing I am certain of is that God has a plan for me. He is guiding my steps.

Yes! Yes! I know God loves me and has a plan for me. He gives me strength, hope, and wisdom.

Yes I know this. It has been beaten into my head through theology classes, sermons, friends, mentors.

Knowledge can be a very powerful thing. But sometimes we can become numb to the things that we already know.

But sadly the things that have been 'beaten' into my head about who God is are just in my head. It hasn't seeped into my heart.

And isn't that where TRUE transformation begins?

One of the things I am realizing is that I need a genuine faith. I desire to have a  intimate and deeper relationship with the Lord. I am yearning to have a faith that pierces my heart and transcends through out through my actions and words. 

Even though I am in a season of uncertainty. I can feel that the Lord is calling me to go deeper with him. Inviting me to a place where I can learn to what it truly means to have faith in him. What it looks like to rely on him solely. To go to him with all my worries, anxieties, etc.

Lord, 
It is my prayer that in this season you will help to understand the truths of who you are whole heartily. Please give me genuine faith that I can live out for your glory. Transform me. Use me. I desire to be broken and built up by you. 

Transition and Trails.

Two weeks ago I had the pleasure of taking a road trip with friends to SF and spending some time up in LA. It was a great time being able to be in the company of good people and just live in the moment.

But now I am back in San Diego.
And reality sets in...

As I left LA. I realized two things:
1. What is next?
2. Have you even prayerfully considered your next move?

The answer unfortunately was no. Since I graduated my life I found myself living a a life of waiting for the next big event. (Christimas, New Years, My birthday, etc) I wasn't considering my future. I longed to be back in LA and finding anyway i could to be back up there. Why wouldn't I? My friends and my solid community were all up there.  But I wasn't praying about it.

My mind has been conflicted. Do I try to continue my post grad life in LA? Or do I stay in San Diego and begin a new life here?

It would be a no-brainer to stop and pray about it. But I think I was fearful of what the Lord might be calling me to do. I kept putting it off. And off....and off....

Leaving LA I realized that it marked an end of a chapter in my life. I realized that I needed to really think about my future, I couldn't put it off any longer. As silly as it may sound, as I close this chapter in my life, I can't help but feel a sense of grief.

I soon came to the realization that my time in LA was a season. I had the privilege of forming amazing friendships, and finding a great community. It was also during this time that the Lord stretched me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I learned what it looks like to risk and be known by others and love others deeply.

I think a part of the reason I was so eager to move back up to LA right away was because I am fearful. I had grown acustomed to my life in LA, it was comfortable. I was known, I had a sense of belonging. I am a little fearful of being home in San Diego, where my community is very limited. I am scared of the loneliness that may come. The thought of stepping out and finding a new church community and being known by a new community scares me.

As I start my new life in San Diego. I know that the Lord is calling me again to risk. Trusting in him that he will provide me with a life-giving community that will continue to strengthen me, something that I deeply desire. Trusting that he will put new people in my life that will encourage and love me. Trusting that he will provide the right opportunities in order for me to make ends meet.

The thought of starting fresh is a very exciting and scary thought. I am excited for what may come and am open to wherever the Lord takes me. But I know that in the midst of excitement and optimism, I will be tested in my faith and patience. I pray that whatever happens the Lord will strengthen and stretch me and use me as a testament to his kingdom. 

While I will deeply miss the relationships that I have formed in the past 3 years. I am learning that relationships evolve and change. I cannot hold on tightly to these relationships and what they used to be, longing for them so much to the point that it cripples me. I have to be intentional as well as having open hands that allow change and evolution to happen.

So here is the tentative plan: Get rooted in good church community in SD, look for part-time work, volunteer with various programs within the city, apply for various community/leadership development fellowships in the LA.

While I do desire to one day make LA my home. I honestly do not know where the Lord will take me. I can only be responsible for the things he has chosen to reveal to me now.

Looking Back...

Yes. I am a couple days late, but it's better late than never.

2011. A year of significant growth and changes.

Time seemed to fly but at the same time it seems like it was a long and taunting process. Reflecting here are some of the things I'm taking away.

Finding out who I am in Christ
The past year has been one of tremendous personal growth. I find myself more comfortable with who I am. This definitely comes from me fully realizing my belovedness in Christ and knowing that I am his child. In the past year the Lord has shown me what my gifts are and how I can apply them to his kingdom. It has been and continues to be a sometimes difficult journey as  I learn what it truly looks like to receive his love and grace in my life.


Coming back to the source
Even though I experienced times of great joy this year. I also had my fair share of trails. Dealing with the end of a relationship, grieving the sudden passing of my grandfather and all the emotions of dealing with that. I found myself struggling with extreme heartache and loneliness. It was during these times that i learned that I have to come back to the source. Jesus. He is the ultimate comforter. I realized that it was unhealthy to try to turn to people or things to somehow heal my pain or fix me. Yes, i believe that friends can be instruments in the healing process but without coming to Jesus real healing cannot take place. When we are able to sit and be still with the lord and live in our pain we can experience true healing and ultimate freedom.

Importance of Solitude
2011. Marked my last year as an undergrad. And this is where the freaking out began. My mind raced with questions about my future and where God wanted me. Learning to take the time to break away from the business of everyday life and be still before the Lord and find rest in him has become a vital part of my life that I have reaped the benefits of greatly.

Taking risks and being vulnerable
This is something that I am still working on, but nevertheless I have made great strides in this area. As I learned more about my identity in Christ, I became more aware of my weakness and struggles. In the past year and a half I have realized how important community is and how vital it is to have Godly brothers and sisters come alongside me. I still haven't pin pointed the source but I have a fear of being known by others. It is a scary thing to let people in and see the real me. All my strengths and weaknesses. The good and bad parts of me. But thankfully God has put amazing people in my life that have encouraged me to in my ability to risk and be vulnerable with others and also being vulnerable before the Lord.  It has been a difficult process but I am beginning to see the fruits of this.

Guard Your Heart and learning to love deeply
As I learned what it means to take risks in my life, I also had to learn what it means to guard your heart. And yes, this phrase became some what of a funny joke, but it is true. The Lord calls us to guard our heart. Even now, I still find difficulty articulating words but I am learning to be careful of who I share my heart with while maintaining a balance of being open with my heart to love others deeply.

 The Lord's Calling
In the past months, I feel like the Lord has shown me a glimpse of where he wants me to be. And that's with people. As I finished my time as an RA, one of the things that I loved deeply about that job was being to invest in the lives of others and coming alongside others and help identify and develop others potential. It was such a tremendous blessing. My passion for helping others only continued to grow once I stepped out of that role and I could see the Lord deepening the passion within my heart to minister to others, specifically youth and the poor and underprivalged. Though I am still not sure of what the Lord has planned I trust that he will use these passions within my heart to advance the kingdom.


Patience in the Process
The biggest lesson that I am taking away from this year is PATIENCE. I am a work in process. A process that will never be completed until I am with Christ. As I think about this lesson I often meditate on 1 John 3:2

Dear Friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears,we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

My Hopes for 2012

Diligence
2012. Marks a new beginning for me. I am no longer in college!!! And this is truly where it begins to  count. I am no longer bound by academic schedules or contracts. No one is breathing down my neck to make sure I finish my assignments, go to chapel, or behave myself. I have a choice. My time in college has been one of great growth. I have grown deeply in the Lord. I can either choose to continue to diligently seek the Lord or completely abandon it. Unfortunately i have seen many people go the latter route and become stagnant in their faith or even completely abandon it. I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord with fervor and diligence, growing in my relationship with him and becoming more and more like Christ.


Finding a New Community/Intentionality in relationships
This past year I was blessed tremendously with finding a solid community at City Church. I saw the benefits of living life with such amazing people. But as I transition into moving back home, I know that I have to leave this community behind, at least for a little while. I pray that I will be able to find a new Church that will continue to foster my spiritual growth. It is also my prayer that I will continue to be intentional and invest in the relationships I formed during my time at Biola.

Being Bold in my faith
Pretty self-explanatory. But especially as I reconnect with old friends from home.

Taking risk/Vulnerability 
Yup. I just need to do it. 

Perseverance
  
Learning to forgive myself
As I have mentioned for what it has seemed like a million times, I have grown tremendously in the past year alone. And you know what that means. Growing pains. At times it has been a painful process, but nevertheless and process that needs to be done. I am realizing that I can no longer dwell on my past mistakes or beat myself up when I stumble. To fully see the beauty of God's forgiveness and grace in my life. I have to be able to let go and forgive myself. 


Job/Clarity in my calling
Student loans don't pay themselves. I pray that I will be able to find a job that will not only pay the bills but also will be a valuable experience as I try to navigate my way into job in the counseling field. 

2012. You should be a interesting year. 


PS-I should also update this thing more often...

A Chance Encounter.

This past weekend I spent the weekend in lovely Santa Barbara.

Yup. Those are indeed sexy Frenchmen playing soccer. Oh la la.

We partied on State Street, Laid out on the beach, ate good food, shared lots of laughs.

But that is not what stood out to me.

It was a person.

A encounter. A moment in time.











Our day started at the Farmers Market. A mix of locals and tourists, enjoying the beautiful scenery. Everyone is friendly to one another, polite and friendly. But something is off.

You see them on every corner. But no one pays attention to them. The homeless. No one acknowledges them or even offers a passing glance.

It was obvious that some of these people were drunk or on drugs.
But then I saw her.

Her face was warm and kind. But the lines in her face told of a life that was met with trouble. She held a simple sign: 'Anything Helps'

Another homeless person trying to take advantage of my sympathies?

I looked at her and at my turkey sandwich clutched in my hand. And I heard a gentle voice..

'Go to her.'

I have never heard God's voice so apparent. Usually in this type of situation, I would wrestle with God.
'I'm not ready!'
'What do I say?'
'I am not equipped...why me?!'

I would try to justify my cowardliness.

But none of that happened and before I could even think I found myself offering my sandwich and sitting in the middle of a busy street talking to her.

We talked for a good five minutes. But in those 5 minutes, I learned so much.

Her name was Dina and she had been on the street for a couple of months. She has been laid off and had no family. I asked her if she had been staying in the shelter but she told me that the shelters were full of drug addicts and alcoholics and that she was trying to be clean. Overcrowding was another issue.  I was enticed with her story but I was whisked away. I just offered her a quick goodbye and told her that I was going to pray for her.

Could she be lying to me? I don't know. But the tone in her voice was honest and full of brokenness. As I sat there talking to her about her life, I could see the pain and the hurt in her eyes. Maybe i am too nice or naive, but I think that something like that cannot be faked. 

All through the day, Dina ran through my mind. I regretted not praying for her. So many 'if only's' raced through my head.

Later that night. I saw Dina again.

Immediately I ran to her and took her hand and prayed for her and told her how much she was loved by Christ. The look in her eyes said it all. Something sparked inside her, I could see it.

Seriously. What the frick. God moves in crazy ways. Months ago, I would not have the courage to share the gospel with anyone. Let alone a complete a stranger.

On the way back I began thinking about the homeless and what is like to live through each day thinking it may be your last. Living to just survive. Hopeless. What is it like to live everyday with that mindset?

Now imagine living like this and not knowing the gospel. Death must be a terrifying thought. Dying with no one, no home, and no hope.

Once again, God is turning my worldview upside down, slowly revealing things to me in his timing. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in Him..

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble (v l n r- -b l). adj. 1. a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack

For the past few months, every so often, I have times where I wake up and my heart and spirit just feels 'heavy.' I do not want to be around anyone. I avoid forms of social interaction and when I am forced to have interactions with others, I am not myself. I find myself being judgmental, harsh to those around me. I get frustrated with myself for acting that way. I would ask God to rid me of these feelings and repent from all my judgments and go to bed and the next day I am fine. 

When I noticed that this became a pattern. I realized that this was possibly an attack from the enemy himself. It made sense, I have grown so much in my relationship with the Lord in the past year alone of course Satan hated it and was doing everything to discourage me. Whew. Glad to have that one was over.. all I had to do was ask God to help me right?


Flash forward to a couple of days ago. I was having another one of those 'heavy' days. A friend who I highly respect and love asked me how I was doing. I was honest with her and told her that I was not doing alright..but I would soon get over it. I made it seem like no big deal and quickly tried to turn the conversation in another direction.

Then, she she dropped the bomb.


'Rachel, I have noticed that something different about you. You're isolating yourself. What is really going on?'


The sincerity in her voice was clear. That's when I lost it. The feelings of heaviness that I had been bottling up had finally exploded. I broke down and told her all that was going on within in my heart. In that instant I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In that moment I felt loved and cared for. It was an amazing feeling.

I have realized that I'm still struggling with being transparent with others and learning to receive.

Why is this? There are many factors. Fear. Pride.


According to webster, vulnerability allows us to be open to attack and pain. 

But what it doesn't mention is the beauty of vulnerability. It allows us to heal. It allows us to be loved by God and others. 


So if it is such a beautiful thing, why am I afraid?

Fear of rejection. Feeling that I am not worthy to receive love from others. 
These are obviously lies which I am still in the process of overcoming. 


So what do I do now?


Take Risks.


I know that in this season of my life, God has put significant people in my life. People who are willing to invest and walk alongside me and even carry me in my times of struggle. The risk is letting them do this and not push them away. I have to tear down these walls that I have built around me and be vulnerable. Receive the love, even when it feels strange and uncomfortable to me. Trust that God is doing his good work in me through this process, being faithful to him always. 


The struggle that I have with receiving love from others reminds me that I still have a lot to learn in how I receive love from God. When it comes to being vulnerable with others, I am afraid because I don't want to be 'messy' with people. But I am seeing that when we allow ourselves to be messy with others, it heals and restores us. The same with God. We must come to him fully exposed with all our baggage then when we allow him into our brokenness, that is where the real healing begins.


How can I love and minister to others if I do not allow others to love and minister to me?

The girl just needs to learn how to RECEIVE. 

Shoot dang, Ain't that the truth?!

The one on GREED

INT. CHURCH-LATE MORNING

A YOUNG WOMAN fumbles with her purse. Her heart is heavy. It is apparent in her face and overall demeanor. She seems troubled, yet hopeful. She sees the USHER with the offering plate walking closer to her. She tries to move more swiftly. The internal struggle is obvious. She finds the crumpled dollar bills. The offering plate is placed in her hands. She shoves the dollar bills into her purse, takes the plate and passes it on.

This seems like it could be a scene in a film. (Obviously, it is written in script format.) This happens everyday. This happened to me.

This past Sunday in church, we were wrapping up our series on 'Matters of the Heart' this week's topic was the dreaded G word. GREED  Listen Here.

I thought 'How many times have I heard this one?!' 'Giving to the church is important...I get it!' Nevertheless, I listened attentively, hey...maybe I would learn something.

After service when I was talking to some people about it I was a little angry. The sermon focused so much on giving of finances and not our time, etc.

Here was my thought process at the time:
-'We as Christians can be greedy with our time, not just our money!'
-'I make it a priority to invest my time in others, my church, etc. I AM NOT GREEDY.'
-'I have no job or income. I cannot give like God wants me to.'

In the sermon, Pastor Kyle talked about how there different types of greed. Most of the time when we think of greed in our lives...we envision this:

He's mean. Brash. Heartless.

Yeah. It's true, we have encountered people in our lives who are 'Scrooge McDucks.'
But greed can come in other forms, like this:

I look like a fool in this picture, mid-laugh and all.  It's obvious that greed can be covered by the most light-hearted and fun exterior. But nevertheless, I came to the realization that I am one greedy---shut yo mouth!

Let me explain. Pastor Kyle made a really good point about how we are so quick to spend on ourselves. But when it comes to helping others or giving to the church, we become so hesitant and make excuses not to give willingly and freely.

How many times has this happened to me. I have a opportunity to give to a missionary, my church, or a worthy cause. I give, but I give LESS than the bare minimum or I do not give at all.  But when it comes to spending money on myself, I give no second thought when it comes to feeding my own needs and desires.

I am all about investing. I love investing in others lives. I make time for others. I willingly and freely give time to God. I thought I was doing a good job. I was doing enough.

I began to reflect on my current situation. Living on very fixed income. No job. Graduating soon. Jobs are not coming my way. Schedule is packed tight. Do I have time to make income right now?

Then I began reflecting on the past. When I did have a job. I gave. But it was certainly not the 10% or more. It was certainly not the first check I wrote out.  I always gave God what was left over, if any.

'What an idiot.' I spent my money on myself, feeding my selfish desires. Thinking about it sickens me.


So what now?

I want to be able to glorify God with my finances. I think we can let our circumstances get in the way of that. The fear of the unknown cripples us, because let's face it, money does in fact make the world go round.  I know that I should give freely and willingly, I desire deeply to be able to do that. But then reality sets in. 'If I give this much, how will I____?'

This is where faith and trust steps in. 

Right now, I am in place where I am limited with my finances. But I can still give. I want to give. I need to give. It will just take budgeting, self-control, and lots of trusting and relying on God.

When the time comes when I actually have a real job (whether that comes sooner or later) I want to be able to give to God. I pray that in this season in my life, he will equip me with the things in order to learn how to do it effectively.

But what is encouraging, is to know that I am not alone in this. I know many other brothers and sisters younger and older than me who struggle with the same exact thing.

Please pray for me friends.

1.1 The One Where Rachel Learns Patience..

Everyone episode of the sitcom 'Friends' is titled 'The one....'

And since I feel like my life is basically a sitcom, how appropriate is the title of this post?

But this is where the similarity ends. Oh how I wish a resolution could be reached in 22 minutes or less. But life is never this easy, it is never fair, and in some cases a resolution is never met.


I have struggled so much with being patience with the process that God is doing within in me. I so badly want to have everything figured out and have my 'ish' worked out. I foolishly think if I have these things in order, I will be happier, smarter, etc. While that is true to an extent. It is all about the process.

I am usually a person who likes to have everything figured out in advance. I like to know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Having patience with God especially when it comes to the future is hard.

So God has been revealing things in my heart concerning the poor or just stepping out in love and minstering to those different than me. The big question I find myself constantly asking is

'Okay, God what now?'

It's really a frustrating process. I still have no clue what do with this. This is where patience comes in. God is working things out, revealing things to me in HIS time. I can only be responsible for what he is revealing to me. Instead of focusing on what God has yet to reveal to me, I should be focusing on the things he has shown me at this point in time and taking practical steps make do with the things provided and TRUST that he will provide the opportunities in his timing.

Patience in the process.

This sounds like something that I should have learned a long time ago. It's so simple. But I'm learning. In the past week alone, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Before when I thought about all the questions I had, I would feel anxious like I was trapped, hopeless, overwhelmed. But as I am learning to have patience in the process,  I am okay not having everything figured out. I am only responsible for the now..make the most of it.

Lately I have been wrestling with the idea of sanctification. Not wrestling with my belief in it, but the beauty of it and how no matter how much it is hammered in my head through theology classes, sermons, or leisurely reading. My mind is blown every time. EVERY. FRICKIN. TIME. It never gets old.

Last night I was reading a devotional and it was talking about sanctification.
Our lives are really messy. We have stuff that we constantly have to work out with God. Part of my problem is that while I am in a firm believer in 'the process' I forget that I will never have everything figured out or 'fixed' while I am here on this earth.

Sanctification is a life long process that is never completed until we met with Christ face to face.  God is just starting his good work in me and it will be a process until Christ comes back. This definitely puts things into perspective.

Heart: Restored

How do I even begin? So much has happened in the past 36 hours alone. So many events, significant conversations and interactions. Each one so unique yet they all connect in some way. I am sitting here still trying to piece everything together.

It's a God thing. Plain and simple.

Context first.

If you have read my blog before (Hello to the 5 avid readers!) You know one of the things I am currently wrestling with is how do I share Christ's love to the poor. What does it look like in my life and what steps do I need to take? How can I overcome my fear that cripples me to loving the poor and those different from me? Where does this fear come from?

All these questions plagued my mind yesterday afternoon and was left dumbfounded and wondering how God would work this out in my life. I was frustrated with myself.

Flash forward a couple hours later. I come home tired and all I want to do is sleep. But God didn't want that for me yet. I ended up having a good conversion with a friend about the poor. She was telling me about the experiences with the poor and homeless. She was telling me how people would look down on her for simply loving the poor. But all she wanted to do was get to know there story and understand where they are coming from. I was completely floored thinking. 'Dang, this girl is ballsy.' I know that I could not do what she was doing. I have had experiences where I was challenged to do the exact same thing, but because of my fear, I took the easy way out and quickly gave someone money, said a half hearted 'I will pray for you' and left never making eye contact. Sometimes I did nothing at all.

We also talked about as a society we dehumanize the poor. I realize that we may lend a helping hand once in awhile, volunteer our time for a good cause for a couple hours. But sadly, I think that most of the time our motivation is fueled from guilt that we feel. And we selfishly do these things to make ourselves feel better. We think if we do this one thing, it is a physical evidence that we care for the poor. But is that love in our hearts? Do we really love these people? We are no better then them. The tables could be easily changed. They are just like us, with a unique story.

You see even though God has been breaking my heart for the underprivileged, it means NOTHING if I do not put ACTIONS with what God is calling me to. I feel that God has given me a compassionate heart, but when he has given me blatant opportunities I run away like a coward.

Today I asked God to give me more opportunities to love and that he will stretch me through it. Because I am human, my instinct will be to run and retreat to what's easy. I pray that God will give me the strength and courage to obey and do what is right, It will not be easy and I will at times stupidly try to justify my disobedience. But God is working it all out in time. Obeying God is hard work!

It's so crazy how God puts people in our path to speak truth and wisdom in our lives. What is even more insane is His timing of it all.

I have been thinking about how God has been breaking my heart in multiple ways. It has been a messy process and at times it hurts like hell. It forces me to look at all the heart issues. And sometimes it's disgusting. There's pride, fear, disobedience, bitterness, etc. But by confronting these issues, I know that God is slowly restoring my heart.

The past few hours have been intense. I am also seeing how he is moving in others lives and it astonishes and encourages me to know that I have people walking beside me, asking the same questions.

God is GOOD.

I'm a question mark, a walking, talking question mark.

This week I was conflicted with a simple question.

What do you do when you are angry with God?

I know that its perfectly normal to be vulnerable with God, we can not hide anything from him.  I mean, he knows our feelings before we are even made aware of them!

Recently there have been many times where I have found myself frustrated with God while listening to peoples constant struggles and heartaches. I sat there in total frustration and confusion of what to say. Sometimes telling someone who is at the end of their rope that it will 'be okay' or 'I will pray for you' or 'God has a plan for you.' while these are true just doesn't seem appropriate at the time. Its hard to just sit there in silence and trust that God will somehow redeem their situation. In the moment, I found myself enraged crying out to God. 'Why?' 'Why are you doing this?' 'Why them?'' 'How long will this last?'

I know that God is sovereign and he wants the best for his children. But it still hurts me to hear and personally experience what seems like unanswered prayers or feeling that God is not there.

So what do we do with these feelings? How do we live in these feelings? How do we help those who are frustrated or angry with God? Do we repent and ask God to take them away? Or do we ask him to bring us closer to him as we wrestle with them, relying on him to lead us to a deeper understanding or who we are in him?

I am still trying to figure it out, but I think I'm getting there.

Sometimes I really hate being such a 'thinker.' A blessing and a curse I guess. 

The Future Freaks Me Out.

So here we are. The end of summer. Where did time go? It just seemed like yesterday that I was at Biola. Living temporarily in a rent free apartment...Being a film kid and spending way too much time on film sets....wanting to cry...actually crying...dealing with difficult actors...dreading phone calls from the UPM or Executive producer...making call sheets...taking way to many BTS photos..going to bed at an unreasonable hour only to wake up  6:45am for a 8am call time. Ah. The good life.

Even though this summer zoomed by and I honestly don't know where it went, it was a very eye-opening one. Unfortunately this summer was marked by the tragedy of the unexpected passing of my grandfather and other struggles. Despite these hardships, I have never felt God's closeness like I have this summer.

In the sake of looking back and remembering...here are some important lessons I learned (or in the process of learning) this summer.

The importance of Family
I really got to spend a significant time with both sides of my family. And I am beginning to see how important family is. Yes, no family is perfect. In the face of hardship, all those preconceived judgments that you may have don't matter, in fact you find out you are completely wrong. I have been amazed to see how my extended family came together to cope with my grandfather's passing and how through this tragedy God used it to rebuild relationships and open up lines of communication.

Reconciliation/Rebuilding Relationships 
I came to realize that there are some people in my life that I have held some sort of bitterness towards. While I said I forgave them, in my heart I still held onto the past. I've also realized that I, too have hurt people and want to begin to mend those relationships if possible. It's been a very humbling experience to confront these heart issues with God.


Love My Neighbor
The past two months, God has been showing me what my life will look like Post-Biola. It's pretty easy to love your neighbor at a place like Biola. But when you are taken out of that bubble and see the reality of this world, you find that it's really difficult to truly love those around you and see people as Christ sees them. God has been breaking my heart for the lost and those 'forgotten' by society.


God is Calling me to something Deeper...
A year ago, the word reflection just meant what I saw in the mirror. But in the past year I have been challenged to really look at my life (and my past) and see where God is in the midst of it all. With each situation I dealt with this summer....the good ones and bad...I have been able to see God's hand in it. Even though it can be difficult to stay focused on the bigger picture when we face of trials..There were many times I wanted to give up and just go back to my old ways..but I know that God is constantly pushing me to preserve because he is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him. I just have to be willing to take the risk and go there with him. 

My body is God's temple.
Let's be honest. I put on some weight. You and I both know this. I mean being 5' 1" if you gain any amount of weight it SHOWS. So this summer I really committed to losing a couple pounds and most importantly eating healthier and making good choices. For the first time EVER, I actually stuck to exercising regularly and eating healthy. I even lost some pound-age! HOLLER.

One of the things I am kind of scared of: THE FUTURE.

This is my last semester! I should be excited, right? A new semester brings new things.

I am DEAD terrified. I like college. I love what I have at Biola. I am scared of what life will look like after. Where will I live? Will I have a job? Where will I go to grad school?

All these things run through my head, their is no putting it off now, I am 4 months away from graduating!

I have to constantly go back to Christ with this one. God has my back. He will take care of me. Yes, I will probably freak out when things don't go the way I plan/or wanted them to. But that just reminds me that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He will get me where ever he wants me...in his own way...not my own.

Things on my mind as I enter my LAST SEMESTER EVER.


 SLOW DOWN AND TAKE IT ALL IN
With this being my last semester. It will be a pretty hectic one I'm sure. I have class..internship..a job (hopefully?!) Maybe a social life if I'm lucky. I just hope I will remember to slow down and take in all that is going on. Enjoy each moment.


RELATIONSHIPS
While at my time at Biola, I have cultivated significant friendships with numerous people. I pray that I will continue to invest in these existing relationships and continue to form new bonds with people in and out of the Biola community.


BEING AWAY FROM MY FAMILY
Yes this definitely sounds like a freshmen thing. But it will be hard, especially because my family is currently in transition to moving back in with my grandmother. A part of why my family is moving back is to help take care of my grandmother, who has shown early signs of dementia. Dementia is a horrible thing and it scares me to think how rapidly it can effect someone's brain. Please pray for my grandmother and my family as they make this transition.

VOCATION/CAREER
After much prayer and wrestling with God over this, I have decided to pursue a master's in counseling. God has definitely been showing me where my passions lie and I have experienced great joy out of helping those around me and investing in people's lives. Yes, counseling is a total 180 from film, but I trust that this is what God wants me to pursue at this moment.  So what do I want to do with this degree? I want to get certified in marriage and family therapy and maybe work in higher ed ..possibly working in Res Life  for a bit and go from there. But I am just open to wherever God leads...who knows I could possibly just end up working as Goofy at Disneyland and be perfectly content.

So. That's the plan. If you read all this thank you. That was a lot to read.

Theology and Toilet Paper

I will be the first to admit that I can be a little doubtful when I hear miraculous stories of God's provision in people's lives, especially when it comes to material things.  (Getting a check from someone hours before rent is due, etc) I am not doubtful that He can do these things, because He obviously can (Hello, he's GOD!)

I just have trouble thinking that these things can happen to me.

For the past week or so, I have seen God provide for me in ways that I have never seen. Like Material things. What the heck?

Money for school. A new(er) CAR. Job Opportunities. Toilet paper.

Yes. Before you laugh. Hear me out.

This morning in my usual morning fog, I heard someone (i honestly don't know who) tell me we had no TP. 'Great! I can't even wipe my own...(i'll let you figure that one out)' But being too tired, I knew I was pretty screwed for the day, but just went back to bed. Also keep in mind I can't leave the house because my current car is pretty much...dead. (It overheats in the hot sun)

Flash forward to an hour later. Nature calls and i begin to worry of what I will do. I go downstairs to the bathroom and what do I see?

A plethora of toilet paper.

I have never been so happy to see TP! Right when I thought I would have to spend the day toilet paperless and uncomfortable, it seems like TP just rained from the sky.

For the record I don't believe that TP just magically appeared.  But this whole toilet paper 'ish' made me realize GOD PROVIDES. In the big things and the little things. He always provides for his children!

I think the thing is, because of our sin nature, we always want more. We want things we don't necessarily need. And when we don't get these things that we think we are entitled to, we believe that God is not providing for our needs.

For example, I mentioned earlier that I have acquired a newer car.  I have been praying for one for at least the past few years. A year would go by...no new car...etc. Meanwhile my little Honda was getting worse. Then I got a job...I said I would save my money...but alas I was a horrible steward of my money and did not save a penny.

Flash forward to July. I become in posession of money. Then I see a pretty sweet deal on classifieds for a car for $2700. I test drive the car. Loved it. Love the owners. They love me (I think?) But I only had a quarter saved.

Before I ramble on. In short God provided. But it was only when I was willing to surrender my own desires and what I thought I needed and really trust that he would provide. I had to really accept the fact that what I want may not be what he wants. That was a hard pill to swallow.

I have been learning that the process is the best part. If God just gave us answers, we wouldn't truly learn anything.

God provides. Not just in the material things. I look at my life and the lives of my fellow brothers and sisters and see how God is so faithful.

But because I am just a finite human being, I am always forgetting. Sometimes it takes things like toilet paper to remind me just how much he's got my behind.

Please...PLEASE tell me you got that?!

Scatterbrained.

Two thoughts of my brain this week: Reconciliation and the need for the gospel.

RECONCILIATION

'In order to live in reconciliation, we must reconcile our own hearts.'

This past fall, Biola's theme for Torrey Conference was about the topic of reconciliation. I really enjoyed it, I strongly believe in reconciliation. I learned a lot. During each session, I remember thinking, 'is their someone in my life who I need to reconcile with?' I got nothing.

Flash forward 9 months.

This Summer has been a challenging one. So many major changes have occurred in the past month, I am forced to tackle them head on. I am beginning to realize that there are certain people in my life that I say I have forgiven, but my heart still holds onto their words and actions (or lack their of) that hurt me in the past.

I have realized that I have a lack of faith in God when it comes to other people. It's been a struggle for me to think that God can truly transform people. But then I think of how God came into my life and transformed me. I was self-seeking, selfish, vain, prideful, the list could go on and on.

Back to reconciliation. See how scatteredbrained I am?

God can change people. Even the worst of people. He changed you. Me. He has changed this person in my life greatly. We certainly do not deserve it. I have to start extending grace to people, like Christ has given me. I cannot reconcile with people that have hurt me (and vice versa) if I cannot give them grace and let go of the bitterness and hurt in my heart. Because the things that we harbor in our hearts extend to our hands. If we harbor hate, we will extend hate.

THE NEED FOR THE GOSPEL.

For the majority of my life, I grew up in the San Diego's South Bay region. The majority of the people in this region are low-income, come from broken homes, etc.

Growing up, I wanted to get out of this place badly. I hated everything. I thought the people in my community were rude and shady. I was very judgmental.

Then I moved to La Mirada. Definitely a change of pace of what I was used to. But in the past two years. God has been softening my heart. Going back and forth between these two communities has definitely changed me. Every time I come home instead of seeing my neighbors as strangers, I am beginning to see them as Christ sees them, and it breaks my heart.

God is really softening my heart for the underprivileged and those 'forgotten' by society. It's really hard because with the compassion that I have for those around me, I feel guilty because I want to help, but I feel like this task is too big for me.

The need for the gospel is urgent here. I think about the lack of active churches in the South Bay. It frustrates me. The Christians that I do know around here, go to churches in more affluent areas of San Diego.

So what can I do? I am still figuring all the details out. But in time, I think God will help me to be more bold in my faith when it comes to sharing Christ with those around me.


In other news. Summer is almost over. I have so little time and so much I wanna do!

When loving your neighbor is out of your comfort zone.

 Love God? Love People.

ALL people, really? Even those who make me uncomfortable? Annoyed? Even those who scare me?

Today I visited my grandmother's house. I will be moving back there at the end of the summer. I was shocked to see how much the neighborhood has changed in 3 years since i lived there. The people changed, the homes looked different.  It's the ghetto. No I am not messing with you. South San Diego, particularly the area I will be moving back to, is one of the most poorest and dangerous areas in San Diego. Taking a look around, I hear people yelling at one another, I see unkempt lawns, there is broken glass in the middle of the street. I hear music that is way too loud. I could go on and on.

So how do I react to this?

At first I was annoyed and angry. Part of why we moved in the first place was to get away from this place. But here we are again.

Then it hit me. Why am I acting like I am better then these people? I grew up here,  I grew up with these people..I know where exactly they are coming from. What makes me so different? I was disgusted with myself.

I took another look around I see brokenness. I see families that need Christ. I see a community that is in dire need of the gospel.

As much as I am scared of moving back here. I can see one reason why God might want our family back here. To show His love to our neighbors.

I say I love people. But do I really? It is so easy to love when we are in our comfort zone.
When we are in our comfort zone, we have a 'I'm happy so i can love you' mentality. Believe me, I have been guilty of this. It's really easy to love people who are like you. It's comforting, it gives you a false sense that you are truly loving people.

But it's when God pulls away the things we cling on to for comfort (a community, people, titles, etc) that we are truly challenged to genuinely love people and love them in the midst of our own brokenness.

God is pulling me out my comfort zone. He is challenging me to fully love those around me. That means all people from all backgrounds. People with different viewpoints, lifestyles, etc.  Most importantly he is challenging me to cling to him as my ultimate comfort.

This summer has been one of change. If you know me well enough. I absolutely dislike change. I try my best to resist it.

But this is a good thing. I am looking forward to this opportunity to grow in Him. Even though I have grown so much in the past year alone, there is so much more that I still have to learn.

God is constantly humbling me. Just when I think I got it all together. He smacks me across the head and shows me my faults. Boy, are there a ton of them.

Die Social Networking...DIE

 Well this post is a little ironic and awkward.

 I struggled for a long time debating whether or not to blog or not.

I am an avid Facebook-er and Twitter user. I love it. 

But like all things. There is an ugly side to it. 

Why do I choose to share my life with 300 people, whom only half I actually interact with on a regular basis? Like most people, I did it to stay connected with friends and family members. I would say that social networking has in fact helped me maintain relationships that might not have worked out if they weren't just a click away.

But as time goes on, it was so easy for me to post a status or tweet something in order to see the response I would get. The joy that I get when I see that I got a notification/mention/reply is pretty sad sometimes. Yes, I have my moments and have something valid or clever to say. But most of the time my thoughts are only meaningful to me, not meant to be shared with others. This has caused me to become a little narcissistic, I struggle with this from time to time. The reality is a lot of people my age, whether they want to admit it or not deal with narcissism.

So why the FRICK am I doing this?

Honestly? My prized journal is all filled up and I have no money to buy a new one. I'm a unemployed college student, remember? 

If people read this. Great. If I can initiate meaningful conversations? That's even better.

But instead of filling this space with meaningless crap. I want this to be a place where I can process this where God has me right now. I think I am at a place where I am on the brink of transition into the 'real world' (I really hate that term) and I am trying to become the woman that God is calling me to be. It's like an uphill battle. Filled with blood, sweat, and tears. And laughs. Expect plenty of those.


Done.