Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble (v l n r- -b l). adj. 1. a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack

For the past few months, every so often, I have times where I wake up and my heart and spirit just feels 'heavy.' I do not want to be around anyone. I avoid forms of social interaction and when I am forced to have interactions with others, I am not myself. I find myself being judgmental, harsh to those around me. I get frustrated with myself for acting that way. I would ask God to rid me of these feelings and repent from all my judgments and go to bed and the next day I am fine. 

When I noticed that this became a pattern. I realized that this was possibly an attack from the enemy himself. It made sense, I have grown so much in my relationship with the Lord in the past year alone of course Satan hated it and was doing everything to discourage me. Whew. Glad to have that one was over.. all I had to do was ask God to help me right?


Flash forward to a couple of days ago. I was having another one of those 'heavy' days. A friend who I highly respect and love asked me how I was doing. I was honest with her and told her that I was not doing alright..but I would soon get over it. I made it seem like no big deal and quickly tried to turn the conversation in another direction.

Then, she she dropped the bomb.


'Rachel, I have noticed that something different about you. You're isolating yourself. What is really going on?'


The sincerity in her voice was clear. That's when I lost it. The feelings of heaviness that I had been bottling up had finally exploded. I broke down and told her all that was going on within in my heart. In that instant I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In that moment I felt loved and cared for. It was an amazing feeling.

I have realized that I'm still struggling with being transparent with others and learning to receive.

Why is this? There are many factors. Fear. Pride.


According to webster, vulnerability allows us to be open to attack and pain. 

But what it doesn't mention is the beauty of vulnerability. It allows us to heal. It allows us to be loved by God and others. 


So if it is such a beautiful thing, why am I afraid?

Fear of rejection. Feeling that I am not worthy to receive love from others. 
These are obviously lies which I am still in the process of overcoming. 


So what do I do now?


Take Risks.


I know that in this season of my life, God has put significant people in my life. People who are willing to invest and walk alongside me and even carry me in my times of struggle. The risk is letting them do this and not push them away. I have to tear down these walls that I have built around me and be vulnerable. Receive the love, even when it feels strange and uncomfortable to me. Trust that God is doing his good work in me through this process, being faithful to him always. 


The struggle that I have with receiving love from others reminds me that I still have a lot to learn in how I receive love from God. When it comes to being vulnerable with others, I am afraid because I don't want to be 'messy' with people. But I am seeing that when we allow ourselves to be messy with others, it heals and restores us. The same with God. We must come to him fully exposed with all our baggage then when we allow him into our brokenness, that is where the real healing begins.


How can I love and minister to others if I do not allow others to love and minister to me?

The girl just needs to learn how to RECEIVE. 

Shoot dang, Ain't that the truth?!