Scatterbrained.

Two thoughts of my brain this week: Reconciliation and the need for the gospel.

RECONCILIATION

'In order to live in reconciliation, we must reconcile our own hearts.'

This past fall, Biola's theme for Torrey Conference was about the topic of reconciliation. I really enjoyed it, I strongly believe in reconciliation. I learned a lot. During each session, I remember thinking, 'is their someone in my life who I need to reconcile with?' I got nothing.

Flash forward 9 months.

This Summer has been a challenging one. So many major changes have occurred in the past month, I am forced to tackle them head on. I am beginning to realize that there are certain people in my life that I say I have forgiven, but my heart still holds onto their words and actions (or lack their of) that hurt me in the past.

I have realized that I have a lack of faith in God when it comes to other people. It's been a struggle for me to think that God can truly transform people. But then I think of how God came into my life and transformed me. I was self-seeking, selfish, vain, prideful, the list could go on and on.

Back to reconciliation. See how scatteredbrained I am?

God can change people. Even the worst of people. He changed you. Me. He has changed this person in my life greatly. We certainly do not deserve it. I have to start extending grace to people, like Christ has given me. I cannot reconcile with people that have hurt me (and vice versa) if I cannot give them grace and let go of the bitterness and hurt in my heart. Because the things that we harbor in our hearts extend to our hands. If we harbor hate, we will extend hate.

THE NEED FOR THE GOSPEL.

For the majority of my life, I grew up in the San Diego's South Bay region. The majority of the people in this region are low-income, come from broken homes, etc.

Growing up, I wanted to get out of this place badly. I hated everything. I thought the people in my community were rude and shady. I was very judgmental.

Then I moved to La Mirada. Definitely a change of pace of what I was used to. But in the past two years. God has been softening my heart. Going back and forth between these two communities has definitely changed me. Every time I come home instead of seeing my neighbors as strangers, I am beginning to see them as Christ sees them, and it breaks my heart.

God is really softening my heart for the underprivileged and those 'forgotten' by society. It's really hard because with the compassion that I have for those around me, I feel guilty because I want to help, but I feel like this task is too big for me.

The need for the gospel is urgent here. I think about the lack of active churches in the South Bay. It frustrates me. The Christians that I do know around here, go to churches in more affluent areas of San Diego.

So what can I do? I am still figuring all the details out. But in time, I think God will help me to be more bold in my faith when it comes to sharing Christ with those around me.


In other news. Summer is almost over. I have so little time and so much I wanna do!

When loving your neighbor is out of your comfort zone.

 Love God? Love People.

ALL people, really? Even those who make me uncomfortable? Annoyed? Even those who scare me?

Today I visited my grandmother's house. I will be moving back there at the end of the summer. I was shocked to see how much the neighborhood has changed in 3 years since i lived there. The people changed, the homes looked different.  It's the ghetto. No I am not messing with you. South San Diego, particularly the area I will be moving back to, is one of the most poorest and dangerous areas in San Diego. Taking a look around, I hear people yelling at one another, I see unkempt lawns, there is broken glass in the middle of the street. I hear music that is way too loud. I could go on and on.

So how do I react to this?

At first I was annoyed and angry. Part of why we moved in the first place was to get away from this place. But here we are again.

Then it hit me. Why am I acting like I am better then these people? I grew up here,  I grew up with these people..I know where exactly they are coming from. What makes me so different? I was disgusted with myself.

I took another look around I see brokenness. I see families that need Christ. I see a community that is in dire need of the gospel.

As much as I am scared of moving back here. I can see one reason why God might want our family back here. To show His love to our neighbors.

I say I love people. But do I really? It is so easy to love when we are in our comfort zone.
When we are in our comfort zone, we have a 'I'm happy so i can love you' mentality. Believe me, I have been guilty of this. It's really easy to love people who are like you. It's comforting, it gives you a false sense that you are truly loving people.

But it's when God pulls away the things we cling on to for comfort (a community, people, titles, etc) that we are truly challenged to genuinely love people and love them in the midst of our own brokenness.

God is pulling me out my comfort zone. He is challenging me to fully love those around me. That means all people from all backgrounds. People with different viewpoints, lifestyles, etc.  Most importantly he is challenging me to cling to him as my ultimate comfort.

This summer has been one of change. If you know me well enough. I absolutely dislike change. I try my best to resist it.

But this is a good thing. I am looking forward to this opportunity to grow in Him. Even though I have grown so much in the past year alone, there is so much more that I still have to learn.

God is constantly humbling me. Just when I think I got it all together. He smacks me across the head and shows me my faults. Boy, are there a ton of them.

Die Social Networking...DIE

 Well this post is a little ironic and awkward.

 I struggled for a long time debating whether or not to blog or not.

I am an avid Facebook-er and Twitter user. I love it. 

But like all things. There is an ugly side to it. 

Why do I choose to share my life with 300 people, whom only half I actually interact with on a regular basis? Like most people, I did it to stay connected with friends and family members. I would say that social networking has in fact helped me maintain relationships that might not have worked out if they weren't just a click away.

But as time goes on, it was so easy for me to post a status or tweet something in order to see the response I would get. The joy that I get when I see that I got a notification/mention/reply is pretty sad sometimes. Yes, I have my moments and have something valid or clever to say. But most of the time my thoughts are only meaningful to me, not meant to be shared with others. This has caused me to become a little narcissistic, I struggle with this from time to time. The reality is a lot of people my age, whether they want to admit it or not deal with narcissism.

So why the FRICK am I doing this?

Honestly? My prized journal is all filled up and I have no money to buy a new one. I'm a unemployed college student, remember? 

If people read this. Great. If I can initiate meaningful conversations? That's even better.

But instead of filling this space with meaningless crap. I want this to be a place where I can process this where God has me right now. I think I am at a place where I am on the brink of transition into the 'real world' (I really hate that term) and I am trying to become the woman that God is calling me to be. It's like an uphill battle. Filled with blood, sweat, and tears. And laughs. Expect plenty of those.


Done.