How do I even begin? So much has happened in the past 36 hours alone. So many events, significant conversations and interactions. Each one so unique yet they all connect in some way. I am sitting here still trying to piece everything together.
It's a God thing. Plain and simple.
Context first.
If you have read my blog before (Hello to the 5 avid readers!) You know one of the things I am currently wrestling with is how do I share Christ's love to the poor. What does it look like in my life and what steps do I need to take? How can I overcome my fear that cripples me to loving the poor and those different from me? Where does this fear come from?
All these questions plagued my mind yesterday afternoon and was left dumbfounded and wondering how God would work this out in my life. I was frustrated with myself.
Flash forward a couple hours later. I come home tired and all I want to do is sleep. But God didn't want that for me yet. I ended up having a good conversion with a friend about the poor. She was telling me about the experiences with the poor and homeless. She was telling me how people would look down on her for simply loving the poor. But all she wanted to do was get to know there story and understand where they are coming from. I was completely floored thinking. 'Dang, this girl is ballsy.' I know that I could not do what she was doing. I have had experiences where I was challenged to do the exact same thing, but because of my fear, I took the easy way out and quickly gave someone money, said a half hearted 'I will pray for you' and left never making eye contact. Sometimes I did nothing at all.
We also talked about as a society we dehumanize the poor. I realize that we may lend a helping hand once in awhile, volunteer our time for a good cause for a couple hours. But sadly, I think that most of the time our motivation is fueled from guilt that we feel. And we selfishly do these things to make ourselves feel better. We think if we do this one thing, it is a physical evidence that we care for the poor. But is that love in our hearts? Do we really love these people? We are no better then them. The tables could be easily changed. They are just like us, with a unique story.
You see even though God has been breaking my heart for the underprivileged, it means NOTHING if I do not put ACTIONS with what God is calling me to. I feel that God has given me a compassionate heart, but when he has given me blatant opportunities I run away like a coward.
Today I asked God to give me more opportunities to love and that he will stretch me through it. Because I am human, my instinct will be to run and retreat to what's easy. I pray that God will give me the strength and courage to obey and do what is right, It will not be easy and I will at times stupidly try to justify my disobedience. But God is working it all out in time. Obeying God is hard work!
It's so crazy how God puts people in our path to speak truth and wisdom in our lives. What is even more insane is His timing of it all.
I have been thinking about how God has been breaking my heart in multiple ways. It has been a messy process and at times it hurts like hell. It forces me to look at all the heart issues. And sometimes it's disgusting. There's pride, fear, disobedience, bitterness, etc. But by confronting these issues, I know that God is slowly restoring my heart.
The past few hours have been intense. I am also seeing how he is moving in others lives and it astonishes and encourages me to know that I have people walking beside me, asking the same questions.
God is GOOD.
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