New City. New Neighbors. New Experiences.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I would update it on a regular basis.

So here we are 3 months since my last post, if you are a regular reader, you'd think I dropped off the face of the earth!

 But fret not. I am here.

And if you are here because I sent you a support letter in the mail....WELCOME! :)

In fact I have not been twiddling my thumbs around, doing nothing. A LOT has been going on!

If you have read any of my posts on this blog or even talked to me in person, you know a bit about my journey in the past year as I have tried to figure out this call that the Lord has put on my heart for the urban poor.

For the longest time I struggled with how to make sense of it all. I went to school for Film! I thought I was going to work in Hollywood working on TV shows and summer blockbusters.

But during my last year at Biola, things began to change. I became heavily involved with various ministires, I got to invest in the lives of others and be invested in by amazing teachers and mentors. As I gained opportunities to minister to the urban poor, the more my heart began to break and I realized how much the gospel was needed in the city.

I realized that working with people wasn't just something I was good at, it was life-giving. I began reevaluating my future. My brain began to hurt as hundreds of questions raced through my mind.

Is this just a phase? Am I cut out this? Am I strong enough? What the heck am I gonna do with a film degree?!

A month before graduation I finally came to terms with it. GOD DOES NOT WASTE. He has given me my gifts, talents, and passions for a specific reason. He gives us specific seasons to use these gifts, talents, and passions. I believe that God will provide opportunities to work with the urban poor as well as opportunities to use my talents of film and media.

With that I am excited to share with you what is next for me!

 This summer I will be living in Bellflower, CA as a Community Fellow through a non profit organization called Kingdom Causes Bellflower.  The Community Fellows program is an opportunity for young leaders to gain tangible, hands on experience in Christian community development work. I will move into an under-resourced neighborhood in Bellflower, and will use my time in the neighborhood to intentionally build relationships with my neighbors and help bring about community transformation. The Kingdom Causes staff will provide training and support as we learn about community development, and will cover our housing costs for the year.

I look forward at the opportunity to work with like-minded people to provide a glimpse of reconciliation, hope, and healing that comes from the gospel. I am excited to gain hands on experience doing urban ministry and learning what it looks like to truly love my neighbor. I am looking forward to being stretched relationally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

A year ago, I would have NEVER imagined that I would get an opportunity like this! The Lord has been so faithful to me in the past year. It has been a difficult process, especially in the past six months. There have been times where my faith has been shaken and tested. But I am reminded of this verse: 

'Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.' 
(Psalm 119:105) 

As much as we want to see what our future looks like, we simply can't. What we can do is abide in Christ and TRUST that he will provide in his timing. This is such a difficult concept to truly believe in our hearts (I have my freak out moments from time to time, thankfully I have a few core people to knock some biblical sense into me!) Surrendering our fears to the Lord and allowing him to do his work is very, very difficult!

As I meditate on Psalm 119:105, I see how much this verse is so applicable to my stage in life. He reveals little by little his plans for me, and by faith I must follow. And he always provides. 

Thank you for your support. I hope you will follow me in my journey in the next year! Feel free to subscribe to this blog!

Check out more about Kingdom Causes Bellflower www.kcbellflower.org 

-Rachel :) 

A deep seeded faith.

Change is coming.

Short version: God is moving. Taking my life and turning it upside down.

Not into reading long rambling posts? Stop here.

Okay you lost your chance...

I am in a state of transition (I have come to really HATE that word in the past months) and with that dreaded 'T' word comes another bad word....trails. But I have found that my positivity strength is one of my biggest enemies. Because I am naturally optimistic, I tend to disregard my struggles and minimize them.

I have finally realized that I am in a time where things are uneasy. I am living in the 'unknown' A lot of things in my life are 'up in the air.' My job situation. Personal relationships...uh basically my future.

One of the things that I struggle with is control. By nature I like to have everything figured out. I like to know what I am getting into. I like to have a plan.

One thing I am certain of is that God has a plan for me. He is guiding my steps.

Yes! Yes! I know God loves me and has a plan for me. He gives me strength, hope, and wisdom.

Yes I know this. It has been beaten into my head through theology classes, sermons, friends, mentors.

Knowledge can be a very powerful thing. But sometimes we can become numb to the things that we already know.

But sadly the things that have been 'beaten' into my head about who God is are just in my head. It hasn't seeped into my heart.

And isn't that where TRUE transformation begins?

One of the things I am realizing is that I need a genuine faith. I desire to have a  intimate and deeper relationship with the Lord. I am yearning to have a faith that pierces my heart and transcends through out through my actions and words. 

Even though I am in a season of uncertainty. I can feel that the Lord is calling me to go deeper with him. Inviting me to a place where I can learn to what it truly means to have faith in him. What it looks like to rely on him solely. To go to him with all my worries, anxieties, etc.

Lord, 
It is my prayer that in this season you will help to understand the truths of who you are whole heartily. Please give me genuine faith that I can live out for your glory. Transform me. Use me. I desire to be broken and built up by you. 

Transition and Trails.

Two weeks ago I had the pleasure of taking a road trip with friends to SF and spending some time up in LA. It was a great time being able to be in the company of good people and just live in the moment.

But now I am back in San Diego.
And reality sets in...

As I left LA. I realized two things:
1. What is next?
2. Have you even prayerfully considered your next move?

The answer unfortunately was no. Since I graduated my life I found myself living a a life of waiting for the next big event. (Christimas, New Years, My birthday, etc) I wasn't considering my future. I longed to be back in LA and finding anyway i could to be back up there. Why wouldn't I? My friends and my solid community were all up there.  But I wasn't praying about it.

My mind has been conflicted. Do I try to continue my post grad life in LA? Or do I stay in San Diego and begin a new life here?

It would be a no-brainer to stop and pray about it. But I think I was fearful of what the Lord might be calling me to do. I kept putting it off. And off....and off....

Leaving LA I realized that it marked an end of a chapter in my life. I realized that I needed to really think about my future, I couldn't put it off any longer. As silly as it may sound, as I close this chapter in my life, I can't help but feel a sense of grief.

I soon came to the realization that my time in LA was a season. I had the privilege of forming amazing friendships, and finding a great community. It was also during this time that the Lord stretched me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I learned what it looks like to risk and be known by others and love others deeply.

I think a part of the reason I was so eager to move back up to LA right away was because I am fearful. I had grown acustomed to my life in LA, it was comfortable. I was known, I had a sense of belonging. I am a little fearful of being home in San Diego, where my community is very limited. I am scared of the loneliness that may come. The thought of stepping out and finding a new church community and being known by a new community scares me.

As I start my new life in San Diego. I know that the Lord is calling me again to risk. Trusting in him that he will provide me with a life-giving community that will continue to strengthen me, something that I deeply desire. Trusting that he will put new people in my life that will encourage and love me. Trusting that he will provide the right opportunities in order for me to make ends meet.

The thought of starting fresh is a very exciting and scary thought. I am excited for what may come and am open to wherever the Lord takes me. But I know that in the midst of excitement and optimism, I will be tested in my faith and patience. I pray that whatever happens the Lord will strengthen and stretch me and use me as a testament to his kingdom. 

While I will deeply miss the relationships that I have formed in the past 3 years. I am learning that relationships evolve and change. I cannot hold on tightly to these relationships and what they used to be, longing for them so much to the point that it cripples me. I have to be intentional as well as having open hands that allow change and evolution to happen.

So here is the tentative plan: Get rooted in good church community in SD, look for part-time work, volunteer with various programs within the city, apply for various community/leadership development fellowships in the LA.

While I do desire to one day make LA my home. I honestly do not know where the Lord will take me. I can only be responsible for the things he has chosen to reveal to me now.

Looking Back...

Yes. I am a couple days late, but it's better late than never.

2011. A year of significant growth and changes.

Time seemed to fly but at the same time it seems like it was a long and taunting process. Reflecting here are some of the things I'm taking away.

Finding out who I am in Christ
The past year has been one of tremendous personal growth. I find myself more comfortable with who I am. This definitely comes from me fully realizing my belovedness in Christ and knowing that I am his child. In the past year the Lord has shown me what my gifts are and how I can apply them to his kingdom. It has been and continues to be a sometimes difficult journey as  I learn what it truly looks like to receive his love and grace in my life.


Coming back to the source
Even though I experienced times of great joy this year. I also had my fair share of trails. Dealing with the end of a relationship, grieving the sudden passing of my grandfather and all the emotions of dealing with that. I found myself struggling with extreme heartache and loneliness. It was during these times that i learned that I have to come back to the source. Jesus. He is the ultimate comforter. I realized that it was unhealthy to try to turn to people or things to somehow heal my pain or fix me. Yes, i believe that friends can be instruments in the healing process but without coming to Jesus real healing cannot take place. When we are able to sit and be still with the lord and live in our pain we can experience true healing and ultimate freedom.

Importance of Solitude
2011. Marked my last year as an undergrad. And this is where the freaking out began. My mind raced with questions about my future and where God wanted me. Learning to take the time to break away from the business of everyday life and be still before the Lord and find rest in him has become a vital part of my life that I have reaped the benefits of greatly.

Taking risks and being vulnerable
This is something that I am still working on, but nevertheless I have made great strides in this area. As I learned more about my identity in Christ, I became more aware of my weakness and struggles. In the past year and a half I have realized how important community is and how vital it is to have Godly brothers and sisters come alongside me. I still haven't pin pointed the source but I have a fear of being known by others. It is a scary thing to let people in and see the real me. All my strengths and weaknesses. The good and bad parts of me. But thankfully God has put amazing people in my life that have encouraged me to in my ability to risk and be vulnerable with others and also being vulnerable before the Lord.  It has been a difficult process but I am beginning to see the fruits of this.

Guard Your Heart and learning to love deeply
As I learned what it means to take risks in my life, I also had to learn what it means to guard your heart. And yes, this phrase became some what of a funny joke, but it is true. The Lord calls us to guard our heart. Even now, I still find difficulty articulating words but I am learning to be careful of who I share my heart with while maintaining a balance of being open with my heart to love others deeply.

 The Lord's Calling
In the past months, I feel like the Lord has shown me a glimpse of where he wants me to be. And that's with people. As I finished my time as an RA, one of the things that I loved deeply about that job was being to invest in the lives of others and coming alongside others and help identify and develop others potential. It was such a tremendous blessing. My passion for helping others only continued to grow once I stepped out of that role and I could see the Lord deepening the passion within my heart to minister to others, specifically youth and the poor and underprivalged. Though I am still not sure of what the Lord has planned I trust that he will use these passions within my heart to advance the kingdom.


Patience in the Process
The biggest lesson that I am taking away from this year is PATIENCE. I am a work in process. A process that will never be completed until I am with Christ. As I think about this lesson I often meditate on 1 John 3:2

Dear Friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears,we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

My Hopes for 2012

Diligence
2012. Marks a new beginning for me. I am no longer in college!!! And this is truly where it begins to  count. I am no longer bound by academic schedules or contracts. No one is breathing down my neck to make sure I finish my assignments, go to chapel, or behave myself. I have a choice. My time in college has been one of great growth. I have grown deeply in the Lord. I can either choose to continue to diligently seek the Lord or completely abandon it. Unfortunately i have seen many people go the latter route and become stagnant in their faith or even completely abandon it. I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord with fervor and diligence, growing in my relationship with him and becoming more and more like Christ.


Finding a New Community/Intentionality in relationships
This past year I was blessed tremendously with finding a solid community at City Church. I saw the benefits of living life with such amazing people. But as I transition into moving back home, I know that I have to leave this community behind, at least for a little while. I pray that I will be able to find a new Church that will continue to foster my spiritual growth. It is also my prayer that I will continue to be intentional and invest in the relationships I formed during my time at Biola.

Being Bold in my faith
Pretty self-explanatory. But especially as I reconnect with old friends from home.

Taking risk/Vulnerability 
Yup. I just need to do it. 

Perseverance
  
Learning to forgive myself
As I have mentioned for what it has seemed like a million times, I have grown tremendously in the past year alone. And you know what that means. Growing pains. At times it has been a painful process, but nevertheless and process that needs to be done. I am realizing that I can no longer dwell on my past mistakes or beat myself up when I stumble. To fully see the beauty of God's forgiveness and grace in my life. I have to be able to let go and forgive myself. 


Job/Clarity in my calling
Student loans don't pay themselves. I pray that I will be able to find a job that will not only pay the bills but also will be a valuable experience as I try to navigate my way into job in the counseling field. 

2012. You should be a interesting year. 


PS-I should also update this thing more often...

A Chance Encounter.

This past weekend I spent the weekend in lovely Santa Barbara.

Yup. Those are indeed sexy Frenchmen playing soccer. Oh la la.

We partied on State Street, Laid out on the beach, ate good food, shared lots of laughs.

But that is not what stood out to me.

It was a person.

A encounter. A moment in time.











Our day started at the Farmers Market. A mix of locals and tourists, enjoying the beautiful scenery. Everyone is friendly to one another, polite and friendly. But something is off.

You see them on every corner. But no one pays attention to them. The homeless. No one acknowledges them or even offers a passing glance.

It was obvious that some of these people were drunk or on drugs.
But then I saw her.

Her face was warm and kind. But the lines in her face told of a life that was met with trouble. She held a simple sign: 'Anything Helps'

Another homeless person trying to take advantage of my sympathies?

I looked at her and at my turkey sandwich clutched in my hand. And I heard a gentle voice..

'Go to her.'

I have never heard God's voice so apparent. Usually in this type of situation, I would wrestle with God.
'I'm not ready!'
'What do I say?'
'I am not equipped...why me?!'

I would try to justify my cowardliness.

But none of that happened and before I could even think I found myself offering my sandwich and sitting in the middle of a busy street talking to her.

We talked for a good five minutes. But in those 5 minutes, I learned so much.

Her name was Dina and she had been on the street for a couple of months. She has been laid off and had no family. I asked her if she had been staying in the shelter but she told me that the shelters were full of drug addicts and alcoholics and that she was trying to be clean. Overcrowding was another issue.  I was enticed with her story but I was whisked away. I just offered her a quick goodbye and told her that I was going to pray for her.

Could she be lying to me? I don't know. But the tone in her voice was honest and full of brokenness. As I sat there talking to her about her life, I could see the pain and the hurt in her eyes. Maybe i am too nice or naive, but I think that something like that cannot be faked. 

All through the day, Dina ran through my mind. I regretted not praying for her. So many 'if only's' raced through my head.

Later that night. I saw Dina again.

Immediately I ran to her and took her hand and prayed for her and told her how much she was loved by Christ. The look in her eyes said it all. Something sparked inside her, I could see it.

Seriously. What the frick. God moves in crazy ways. Months ago, I would not have the courage to share the gospel with anyone. Let alone a complete a stranger.

On the way back I began thinking about the homeless and what is like to live through each day thinking it may be your last. Living to just survive. Hopeless. What is it like to live everyday with that mindset?

Now imagine living like this and not knowing the gospel. Death must be a terrifying thought. Dying with no one, no home, and no hope.

Once again, God is turning my worldview upside down, slowly revealing things to me in his timing. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in Him..

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble (v l n r- -b l). adj. 1. a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack

For the past few months, every so often, I have times where I wake up and my heart and spirit just feels 'heavy.' I do not want to be around anyone. I avoid forms of social interaction and when I am forced to have interactions with others, I am not myself. I find myself being judgmental, harsh to those around me. I get frustrated with myself for acting that way. I would ask God to rid me of these feelings and repent from all my judgments and go to bed and the next day I am fine. 

When I noticed that this became a pattern. I realized that this was possibly an attack from the enemy himself. It made sense, I have grown so much in my relationship with the Lord in the past year alone of course Satan hated it and was doing everything to discourage me. Whew. Glad to have that one was over.. all I had to do was ask God to help me right?


Flash forward to a couple of days ago. I was having another one of those 'heavy' days. A friend who I highly respect and love asked me how I was doing. I was honest with her and told her that I was not doing alright..but I would soon get over it. I made it seem like no big deal and quickly tried to turn the conversation in another direction.

Then, she she dropped the bomb.


'Rachel, I have noticed that something different about you. You're isolating yourself. What is really going on?'


The sincerity in her voice was clear. That's when I lost it. The feelings of heaviness that I had been bottling up had finally exploded. I broke down and told her all that was going on within in my heart. In that instant I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In that moment I felt loved and cared for. It was an amazing feeling.

I have realized that I'm still struggling with being transparent with others and learning to receive.

Why is this? There are many factors. Fear. Pride.


According to webster, vulnerability allows us to be open to attack and pain. 

But what it doesn't mention is the beauty of vulnerability. It allows us to heal. It allows us to be loved by God and others. 


So if it is such a beautiful thing, why am I afraid?

Fear of rejection. Feeling that I am not worthy to receive love from others. 
These are obviously lies which I am still in the process of overcoming. 


So what do I do now?


Take Risks.


I know that in this season of my life, God has put significant people in my life. People who are willing to invest and walk alongside me and even carry me in my times of struggle. The risk is letting them do this and not push them away. I have to tear down these walls that I have built around me and be vulnerable. Receive the love, even when it feels strange and uncomfortable to me. Trust that God is doing his good work in me through this process, being faithful to him always. 


The struggle that I have with receiving love from others reminds me that I still have a lot to learn in how I receive love from God. When it comes to being vulnerable with others, I am afraid because I don't want to be 'messy' with people. But I am seeing that when we allow ourselves to be messy with others, it heals and restores us. The same with God. We must come to him fully exposed with all our baggage then when we allow him into our brokenness, that is where the real healing begins.


How can I love and minister to others if I do not allow others to love and minister to me?

The girl just needs to learn how to RECEIVE. 

Shoot dang, Ain't that the truth?!

The one on GREED

INT. CHURCH-LATE MORNING

A YOUNG WOMAN fumbles with her purse. Her heart is heavy. It is apparent in her face and overall demeanor. She seems troubled, yet hopeful. She sees the USHER with the offering plate walking closer to her. She tries to move more swiftly. The internal struggle is obvious. She finds the crumpled dollar bills. The offering plate is placed in her hands. She shoves the dollar bills into her purse, takes the plate and passes it on.

This seems like it could be a scene in a film. (Obviously, it is written in script format.) This happens everyday. This happened to me.

This past Sunday in church, we were wrapping up our series on 'Matters of the Heart' this week's topic was the dreaded G word. GREED  Listen Here.

I thought 'How many times have I heard this one?!' 'Giving to the church is important...I get it!' Nevertheless, I listened attentively, hey...maybe I would learn something.

After service when I was talking to some people about it I was a little angry. The sermon focused so much on giving of finances and not our time, etc.

Here was my thought process at the time:
-'We as Christians can be greedy with our time, not just our money!'
-'I make it a priority to invest my time in others, my church, etc. I AM NOT GREEDY.'
-'I have no job or income. I cannot give like God wants me to.'

In the sermon, Pastor Kyle talked about how there different types of greed. Most of the time when we think of greed in our lives...we envision this:

He's mean. Brash. Heartless.

Yeah. It's true, we have encountered people in our lives who are 'Scrooge McDucks.'
But greed can come in other forms, like this:

I look like a fool in this picture, mid-laugh and all.  It's obvious that greed can be covered by the most light-hearted and fun exterior. But nevertheless, I came to the realization that I am one greedy---shut yo mouth!

Let me explain. Pastor Kyle made a really good point about how we are so quick to spend on ourselves. But when it comes to helping others or giving to the church, we become so hesitant and make excuses not to give willingly and freely.

How many times has this happened to me. I have a opportunity to give to a missionary, my church, or a worthy cause. I give, but I give LESS than the bare minimum or I do not give at all.  But when it comes to spending money on myself, I give no second thought when it comes to feeding my own needs and desires.

I am all about investing. I love investing in others lives. I make time for others. I willingly and freely give time to God. I thought I was doing a good job. I was doing enough.

I began to reflect on my current situation. Living on very fixed income. No job. Graduating soon. Jobs are not coming my way. Schedule is packed tight. Do I have time to make income right now?

Then I began reflecting on the past. When I did have a job. I gave. But it was certainly not the 10% or more. It was certainly not the first check I wrote out.  I always gave God what was left over, if any.

'What an idiot.' I spent my money on myself, feeding my selfish desires. Thinking about it sickens me.


So what now?

I want to be able to glorify God with my finances. I think we can let our circumstances get in the way of that. The fear of the unknown cripples us, because let's face it, money does in fact make the world go round.  I know that I should give freely and willingly, I desire deeply to be able to do that. But then reality sets in. 'If I give this much, how will I____?'

This is where faith and trust steps in. 

Right now, I am in place where I am limited with my finances. But I can still give. I want to give. I need to give. It will just take budgeting, self-control, and lots of trusting and relying on God.

When the time comes when I actually have a real job (whether that comes sooner or later) I want to be able to give to God. I pray that in this season in my life, he will equip me with the things in order to learn how to do it effectively.

But what is encouraging, is to know that I am not alone in this. I know many other brothers and sisters younger and older than me who struggle with the same exact thing.

Please pray for me friends.