Looking Back...

Yes. I am a couple days late, but it's better late than never.

2011. A year of significant growth and changes.

Time seemed to fly but at the same time it seems like it was a long and taunting process. Reflecting here are some of the things I'm taking away.

Finding out who I am in Christ
The past year has been one of tremendous personal growth. I find myself more comfortable with who I am. This definitely comes from me fully realizing my belovedness in Christ and knowing that I am his child. In the past year the Lord has shown me what my gifts are and how I can apply them to his kingdom. It has been and continues to be a sometimes difficult journey as  I learn what it truly looks like to receive his love and grace in my life.


Coming back to the source
Even though I experienced times of great joy this year. I also had my fair share of trails. Dealing with the end of a relationship, grieving the sudden passing of my grandfather and all the emotions of dealing with that. I found myself struggling with extreme heartache and loneliness. It was during these times that i learned that I have to come back to the source. Jesus. He is the ultimate comforter. I realized that it was unhealthy to try to turn to people or things to somehow heal my pain or fix me. Yes, i believe that friends can be instruments in the healing process but without coming to Jesus real healing cannot take place. When we are able to sit and be still with the lord and live in our pain we can experience true healing and ultimate freedom.

Importance of Solitude
2011. Marked my last year as an undergrad. And this is where the freaking out began. My mind raced with questions about my future and where God wanted me. Learning to take the time to break away from the business of everyday life and be still before the Lord and find rest in him has become a vital part of my life that I have reaped the benefits of greatly.

Taking risks and being vulnerable
This is something that I am still working on, but nevertheless I have made great strides in this area. As I learned more about my identity in Christ, I became more aware of my weakness and struggles. In the past year and a half I have realized how important community is and how vital it is to have Godly brothers and sisters come alongside me. I still haven't pin pointed the source but I have a fear of being known by others. It is a scary thing to let people in and see the real me. All my strengths and weaknesses. The good and bad parts of me. But thankfully God has put amazing people in my life that have encouraged me to in my ability to risk and be vulnerable with others and also being vulnerable before the Lord.  It has been a difficult process but I am beginning to see the fruits of this.

Guard Your Heart and learning to love deeply
As I learned what it means to take risks in my life, I also had to learn what it means to guard your heart. And yes, this phrase became some what of a funny joke, but it is true. The Lord calls us to guard our heart. Even now, I still find difficulty articulating words but I am learning to be careful of who I share my heart with while maintaining a balance of being open with my heart to love others deeply.

 The Lord's Calling
In the past months, I feel like the Lord has shown me a glimpse of where he wants me to be. And that's with people. As I finished my time as an RA, one of the things that I loved deeply about that job was being to invest in the lives of others and coming alongside others and help identify and develop others potential. It was such a tremendous blessing. My passion for helping others only continued to grow once I stepped out of that role and I could see the Lord deepening the passion within my heart to minister to others, specifically youth and the poor and underprivalged. Though I am still not sure of what the Lord has planned I trust that he will use these passions within my heart to advance the kingdom.


Patience in the Process
The biggest lesson that I am taking away from this year is PATIENCE. I am a work in process. A process that will never be completed until I am with Christ. As I think about this lesson I often meditate on 1 John 3:2

Dear Friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears,we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

My Hopes for 2012

Diligence
2012. Marks a new beginning for me. I am no longer in college!!! And this is truly where it begins to  count. I am no longer bound by academic schedules or contracts. No one is breathing down my neck to make sure I finish my assignments, go to chapel, or behave myself. I have a choice. My time in college has been one of great growth. I have grown deeply in the Lord. I can either choose to continue to diligently seek the Lord or completely abandon it. Unfortunately i have seen many people go the latter route and become stagnant in their faith or even completely abandon it. I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord with fervor and diligence, growing in my relationship with him and becoming more and more like Christ.


Finding a New Community/Intentionality in relationships
This past year I was blessed tremendously with finding a solid community at City Church. I saw the benefits of living life with such amazing people. But as I transition into moving back home, I know that I have to leave this community behind, at least for a little while. I pray that I will be able to find a new Church that will continue to foster my spiritual growth. It is also my prayer that I will continue to be intentional and invest in the relationships I formed during my time at Biola.

Being Bold in my faith
Pretty self-explanatory. But especially as I reconnect with old friends from home.

Taking risk/Vulnerability 
Yup. I just need to do it. 

Perseverance
  
Learning to forgive myself
As I have mentioned for what it has seemed like a million times, I have grown tremendously in the past year alone. And you know what that means. Growing pains. At times it has been a painful process, but nevertheless and process that needs to be done. I am realizing that I can no longer dwell on my past mistakes or beat myself up when I stumble. To fully see the beauty of God's forgiveness and grace in my life. I have to be able to let go and forgive myself. 


Job/Clarity in my calling
Student loans don't pay themselves. I pray that I will be able to find a job that will not only pay the bills but also will be a valuable experience as I try to navigate my way into job in the counseling field. 

2012. You should be a interesting year. 


PS-I should also update this thing more often...

A Chance Encounter.

This past weekend I spent the weekend in lovely Santa Barbara.

Yup. Those are indeed sexy Frenchmen playing soccer. Oh la la.

We partied on State Street, Laid out on the beach, ate good food, shared lots of laughs.

But that is not what stood out to me.

It was a person.

A encounter. A moment in time.











Our day started at the Farmers Market. A mix of locals and tourists, enjoying the beautiful scenery. Everyone is friendly to one another, polite and friendly. But something is off.

You see them on every corner. But no one pays attention to them. The homeless. No one acknowledges them or even offers a passing glance.

It was obvious that some of these people were drunk or on drugs.
But then I saw her.

Her face was warm and kind. But the lines in her face told of a life that was met with trouble. She held a simple sign: 'Anything Helps'

Another homeless person trying to take advantage of my sympathies?

I looked at her and at my turkey sandwich clutched in my hand. And I heard a gentle voice..

'Go to her.'

I have never heard God's voice so apparent. Usually in this type of situation, I would wrestle with God.
'I'm not ready!'
'What do I say?'
'I am not equipped...why me?!'

I would try to justify my cowardliness.

But none of that happened and before I could even think I found myself offering my sandwich and sitting in the middle of a busy street talking to her.

We talked for a good five minutes. But in those 5 minutes, I learned so much.

Her name was Dina and she had been on the street for a couple of months. She has been laid off and had no family. I asked her if she had been staying in the shelter but she told me that the shelters were full of drug addicts and alcoholics and that she was trying to be clean. Overcrowding was another issue.  I was enticed with her story but I was whisked away. I just offered her a quick goodbye and told her that I was going to pray for her.

Could she be lying to me? I don't know. But the tone in her voice was honest and full of brokenness. As I sat there talking to her about her life, I could see the pain and the hurt in her eyes. Maybe i am too nice or naive, but I think that something like that cannot be faked. 

All through the day, Dina ran through my mind. I regretted not praying for her. So many 'if only's' raced through my head.

Later that night. I saw Dina again.

Immediately I ran to her and took her hand and prayed for her and told her how much she was loved by Christ. The look in her eyes said it all. Something sparked inside her, I could see it.

Seriously. What the frick. God moves in crazy ways. Months ago, I would not have the courage to share the gospel with anyone. Let alone a complete a stranger.

On the way back I began thinking about the homeless and what is like to live through each day thinking it may be your last. Living to just survive. Hopeless. What is it like to live everyday with that mindset?

Now imagine living like this and not knowing the gospel. Death must be a terrifying thought. Dying with no one, no home, and no hope.

Once again, God is turning my worldview upside down, slowly revealing things to me in his timing. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow in Him..

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble (v l n r- -b l). adj. 1. a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack

For the past few months, every so often, I have times where I wake up and my heart and spirit just feels 'heavy.' I do not want to be around anyone. I avoid forms of social interaction and when I am forced to have interactions with others, I am not myself. I find myself being judgmental, harsh to those around me. I get frustrated with myself for acting that way. I would ask God to rid me of these feelings and repent from all my judgments and go to bed and the next day I am fine. 

When I noticed that this became a pattern. I realized that this was possibly an attack from the enemy himself. It made sense, I have grown so much in my relationship with the Lord in the past year alone of course Satan hated it and was doing everything to discourage me. Whew. Glad to have that one was over.. all I had to do was ask God to help me right?


Flash forward to a couple of days ago. I was having another one of those 'heavy' days. A friend who I highly respect and love asked me how I was doing. I was honest with her and told her that I was not doing alright..but I would soon get over it. I made it seem like no big deal and quickly tried to turn the conversation in another direction.

Then, she she dropped the bomb.


'Rachel, I have noticed that something different about you. You're isolating yourself. What is really going on?'


The sincerity in her voice was clear. That's when I lost it. The feelings of heaviness that I had been bottling up had finally exploded. I broke down and told her all that was going on within in my heart. In that instant I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In that moment I felt loved and cared for. It was an amazing feeling.

I have realized that I'm still struggling with being transparent with others and learning to receive.

Why is this? There are many factors. Fear. Pride.


According to webster, vulnerability allows us to be open to attack and pain. 

But what it doesn't mention is the beauty of vulnerability. It allows us to heal. It allows us to be loved by God and others. 


So if it is such a beautiful thing, why am I afraid?

Fear of rejection. Feeling that I am not worthy to receive love from others. 
These are obviously lies which I am still in the process of overcoming. 


So what do I do now?


Take Risks.


I know that in this season of my life, God has put significant people in my life. People who are willing to invest and walk alongside me and even carry me in my times of struggle. The risk is letting them do this and not push them away. I have to tear down these walls that I have built around me and be vulnerable. Receive the love, even when it feels strange and uncomfortable to me. Trust that God is doing his good work in me through this process, being faithful to him always. 


The struggle that I have with receiving love from others reminds me that I still have a lot to learn in how I receive love from God. When it comes to being vulnerable with others, I am afraid because I don't want to be 'messy' with people. But I am seeing that when we allow ourselves to be messy with others, it heals and restores us. The same with God. We must come to him fully exposed with all our baggage then when we allow him into our brokenness, that is where the real healing begins.


How can I love and minister to others if I do not allow others to love and minister to me?

The girl just needs to learn how to RECEIVE. 

Shoot dang, Ain't that the truth?!

The one on GREED

INT. CHURCH-LATE MORNING

A YOUNG WOMAN fumbles with her purse. Her heart is heavy. It is apparent in her face and overall demeanor. She seems troubled, yet hopeful. She sees the USHER with the offering plate walking closer to her. She tries to move more swiftly. The internal struggle is obvious. She finds the crumpled dollar bills. The offering plate is placed in her hands. She shoves the dollar bills into her purse, takes the plate and passes it on.

This seems like it could be a scene in a film. (Obviously, it is written in script format.) This happens everyday. This happened to me.

This past Sunday in church, we were wrapping up our series on 'Matters of the Heart' this week's topic was the dreaded G word. GREED  Listen Here.

I thought 'How many times have I heard this one?!' 'Giving to the church is important...I get it!' Nevertheless, I listened attentively, hey...maybe I would learn something.

After service when I was talking to some people about it I was a little angry. The sermon focused so much on giving of finances and not our time, etc.

Here was my thought process at the time:
-'We as Christians can be greedy with our time, not just our money!'
-'I make it a priority to invest my time in others, my church, etc. I AM NOT GREEDY.'
-'I have no job or income. I cannot give like God wants me to.'

In the sermon, Pastor Kyle talked about how there different types of greed. Most of the time when we think of greed in our lives...we envision this:

He's mean. Brash. Heartless.

Yeah. It's true, we have encountered people in our lives who are 'Scrooge McDucks.'
But greed can come in other forms, like this:

I look like a fool in this picture, mid-laugh and all.  It's obvious that greed can be covered by the most light-hearted and fun exterior. But nevertheless, I came to the realization that I am one greedy---shut yo mouth!

Let me explain. Pastor Kyle made a really good point about how we are so quick to spend on ourselves. But when it comes to helping others or giving to the church, we become so hesitant and make excuses not to give willingly and freely.

How many times has this happened to me. I have a opportunity to give to a missionary, my church, or a worthy cause. I give, but I give LESS than the bare minimum or I do not give at all.  But when it comes to spending money on myself, I give no second thought when it comes to feeding my own needs and desires.

I am all about investing. I love investing in others lives. I make time for others. I willingly and freely give time to God. I thought I was doing a good job. I was doing enough.

I began to reflect on my current situation. Living on very fixed income. No job. Graduating soon. Jobs are not coming my way. Schedule is packed tight. Do I have time to make income right now?

Then I began reflecting on the past. When I did have a job. I gave. But it was certainly not the 10% or more. It was certainly not the first check I wrote out.  I always gave God what was left over, if any.

'What an idiot.' I spent my money on myself, feeding my selfish desires. Thinking about it sickens me.


So what now?

I want to be able to glorify God with my finances. I think we can let our circumstances get in the way of that. The fear of the unknown cripples us, because let's face it, money does in fact make the world go round.  I know that I should give freely and willingly, I desire deeply to be able to do that. But then reality sets in. 'If I give this much, how will I____?'

This is where faith and trust steps in. 

Right now, I am in place where I am limited with my finances. But I can still give. I want to give. I need to give. It will just take budgeting, self-control, and lots of trusting and relying on God.

When the time comes when I actually have a real job (whether that comes sooner or later) I want to be able to give to God. I pray that in this season in my life, he will equip me with the things in order to learn how to do it effectively.

But what is encouraging, is to know that I am not alone in this. I know many other brothers and sisters younger and older than me who struggle with the same exact thing.

Please pray for me friends.

1.1 The One Where Rachel Learns Patience..

Everyone episode of the sitcom 'Friends' is titled 'The one....'

And since I feel like my life is basically a sitcom, how appropriate is the title of this post?

But this is where the similarity ends. Oh how I wish a resolution could be reached in 22 minutes or less. But life is never this easy, it is never fair, and in some cases a resolution is never met.


I have struggled so much with being patience with the process that God is doing within in me. I so badly want to have everything figured out and have my 'ish' worked out. I foolishly think if I have these things in order, I will be happier, smarter, etc. While that is true to an extent. It is all about the process.

I am usually a person who likes to have everything figured out in advance. I like to know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Having patience with God especially when it comes to the future is hard.

So God has been revealing things in my heart concerning the poor or just stepping out in love and minstering to those different than me. The big question I find myself constantly asking is

'Okay, God what now?'

It's really a frustrating process. I still have no clue what do with this. This is where patience comes in. God is working things out, revealing things to me in HIS time. I can only be responsible for what he is revealing to me. Instead of focusing on what God has yet to reveal to me, I should be focusing on the things he has shown me at this point in time and taking practical steps make do with the things provided and TRUST that he will provide the opportunities in his timing.

Patience in the process.

This sounds like something that I should have learned a long time ago. It's so simple. But I'm learning. In the past week alone, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Before when I thought about all the questions I had, I would feel anxious like I was trapped, hopeless, overwhelmed. But as I am learning to have patience in the process,  I am okay not having everything figured out. I am only responsible for the now..make the most of it.

Lately I have been wrestling with the idea of sanctification. Not wrestling with my belief in it, but the beauty of it and how no matter how much it is hammered in my head through theology classes, sermons, or leisurely reading. My mind is blown every time. EVERY. FRICKIN. TIME. It never gets old.

Last night I was reading a devotional and it was talking about sanctification.
Our lives are really messy. We have stuff that we constantly have to work out with God. Part of my problem is that while I am in a firm believer in 'the process' I forget that I will never have everything figured out or 'fixed' while I am here on this earth.

Sanctification is a life long process that is never completed until we met with Christ face to face.  God is just starting his good work in me and it will be a process until Christ comes back. This definitely puts things into perspective.

Heart: Restored

How do I even begin? So much has happened in the past 36 hours alone. So many events, significant conversations and interactions. Each one so unique yet they all connect in some way. I am sitting here still trying to piece everything together.

It's a God thing. Plain and simple.

Context first.

If you have read my blog before (Hello to the 5 avid readers!) You know one of the things I am currently wrestling with is how do I share Christ's love to the poor. What does it look like in my life and what steps do I need to take? How can I overcome my fear that cripples me to loving the poor and those different from me? Where does this fear come from?

All these questions plagued my mind yesterday afternoon and was left dumbfounded and wondering how God would work this out in my life. I was frustrated with myself.

Flash forward a couple hours later. I come home tired and all I want to do is sleep. But God didn't want that for me yet. I ended up having a good conversion with a friend about the poor. She was telling me about the experiences with the poor and homeless. She was telling me how people would look down on her for simply loving the poor. But all she wanted to do was get to know there story and understand where they are coming from. I was completely floored thinking. 'Dang, this girl is ballsy.' I know that I could not do what she was doing. I have had experiences where I was challenged to do the exact same thing, but because of my fear, I took the easy way out and quickly gave someone money, said a half hearted 'I will pray for you' and left never making eye contact. Sometimes I did nothing at all.

We also talked about as a society we dehumanize the poor. I realize that we may lend a helping hand once in awhile, volunteer our time for a good cause for a couple hours. But sadly, I think that most of the time our motivation is fueled from guilt that we feel. And we selfishly do these things to make ourselves feel better. We think if we do this one thing, it is a physical evidence that we care for the poor. But is that love in our hearts? Do we really love these people? We are no better then them. The tables could be easily changed. They are just like us, with a unique story.

You see even though God has been breaking my heart for the underprivileged, it means NOTHING if I do not put ACTIONS with what God is calling me to. I feel that God has given me a compassionate heart, but when he has given me blatant opportunities I run away like a coward.

Today I asked God to give me more opportunities to love and that he will stretch me through it. Because I am human, my instinct will be to run and retreat to what's easy. I pray that God will give me the strength and courage to obey and do what is right, It will not be easy and I will at times stupidly try to justify my disobedience. But God is working it all out in time. Obeying God is hard work!

It's so crazy how God puts people in our path to speak truth and wisdom in our lives. What is even more insane is His timing of it all.

I have been thinking about how God has been breaking my heart in multiple ways. It has been a messy process and at times it hurts like hell. It forces me to look at all the heart issues. And sometimes it's disgusting. There's pride, fear, disobedience, bitterness, etc. But by confronting these issues, I know that God is slowly restoring my heart.

The past few hours have been intense. I am also seeing how he is moving in others lives and it astonishes and encourages me to know that I have people walking beside me, asking the same questions.

God is GOOD.

I'm a question mark, a walking, talking question mark.

This week I was conflicted with a simple question.

What do you do when you are angry with God?

I know that its perfectly normal to be vulnerable with God, we can not hide anything from him.  I mean, he knows our feelings before we are even made aware of them!

Recently there have been many times where I have found myself frustrated with God while listening to peoples constant struggles and heartaches. I sat there in total frustration and confusion of what to say. Sometimes telling someone who is at the end of their rope that it will 'be okay' or 'I will pray for you' or 'God has a plan for you.' while these are true just doesn't seem appropriate at the time. Its hard to just sit there in silence and trust that God will somehow redeem their situation. In the moment, I found myself enraged crying out to God. 'Why?' 'Why are you doing this?' 'Why them?'' 'How long will this last?'

I know that God is sovereign and he wants the best for his children. But it still hurts me to hear and personally experience what seems like unanswered prayers or feeling that God is not there.

So what do we do with these feelings? How do we live in these feelings? How do we help those who are frustrated or angry with God? Do we repent and ask God to take them away? Or do we ask him to bring us closer to him as we wrestle with them, relying on him to lead us to a deeper understanding or who we are in him?

I am still trying to figure it out, but I think I'm getting there.

Sometimes I really hate being such a 'thinker.' A blessing and a curse I guess.